


Land of Gnomes and Trolls

by Demixian



Series: The 'Land of...' Series [1]
Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Related, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-16
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-15 00:45:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4586559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Demixian/pseuds/Demixian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodger Isaac Grant, better known these days as Elder Grant, is a young mormon missionary. After leaving the comfort of his cosy home in Salt Lake City to serve in Hasvik, Norway, he comes to realise that not all missionaries are as righteous and faithful as he and his companion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Fraternity of Latter-Day-Saints

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to make something clear: I took A LOT of artistic license with this depiction of mormons. However, I also did plenty of research on Norway and mormonism to give some sort of feeling of reality to the book. However, there are a lot of things that I neglected to add, as it interfered with the running of the plot, such as the proper schedules for proselytisation. Since this is based on the show, I went with most of the rules from it, and mimicked the general attitude that they all have to the church. This story is primarily about elders breaking rules and the such, so really if they are breaking any rules it's probably on purpose.

The first thing that becomes apparent to Elder Rodger Grant as he steps off of the plane is the biting cold. He is wearing an ugly green sweater and now he's also slipping on a bright yellow parka. However, his fingers are still beginning to numb despite his efforts to stay warm. This cold is nothing like Utah cold. Not even Wyoming cold, and that vacation in Wyoming had been pretty darn cold. Instead, it is the sort of cold that makes your fingers feel like thick claws. This is the moment that Elder Grant knows that he has left the United States for the first time in his life. Nowhere in the U.S, at least nowhere Elder Grant has been, is this cold. His mission companion, Elder Young, is smiling his optimistic smile as usual, but it's clear by how his hands are shaking that he is suffering from the low temperature as well.

 

"W-well, this sure is a n-nice looking p-place!" Joe stutters, shivering.

 

"Um…Y-yeah! It's…b-beautiful," Rodger replies, trying his best to say something nice about the big white nothingness that surrounds them. The bus for the outskirts of Hasvik finally arrives and they hastily board it, desperate for relief from the freezing whiteness outside. Thank goodness the bus has a heater.

 

 

Once they arrive near the outskirts, where the living quarters are, and they leave the warmth of the bus, Rodger notices a blonde woman in a thick jacket approaching them and quickly puts two and two together, sussing that she is their guide.

 

"Hello! I am Velma. You must be the…uh…missionaries?" she asks them, pronouncing 'missionaries' as it is spelt rather than 'Mish-on-air-rees', one of the many little quirks that Rodger has picked up from her.

 

"That's right, ma'am! Nice to meet you, I'm Elder Grant and this is Elder Young," Rodger replies politely, sticking a heavily covered hand out for her to shake.

 

"Nice to meet you, Velma," Joseph reiterates. As usual, Joe is just happy to be doing what he does best; being a mormon. However, Rodger feels slightly uneasy, even though the guide looks nice enough. The cold must be getting to him.

 

"I will show you into the house now, okay?" she says, nodding and smiling. Rodger and Joe smiled and nod along with her as she shows them the way. "You must remember this path, okay? Because it is very common to get lost here. Yes?"

 

"Yeah," Rodger says, the nit-picking part of him aching to correct every mistake that she makes, but his polite and considerate side (a side that greatly outweighs the other, thanks to extensive mormon training) quickly represses his urge to. In other words, Rodger's grammar nazi instincts are cruelly shot down on this day, and it makes him really ticked off.

 

"Here it is, okay?" Velma says, pointing to the bungalow with a blue door in the middle of nowhere with a sign on it saying

 

"Learn more about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day-saints," and underneath it what was presumably the same thing but in Norwegian.

 

"Well, uh, thanks! Maybe sometime you can come over and learn more about the church--"

 

"I am only the guide. I do not want to join your church. I am sorry," Velma interjects curtly, cutting Rodger off. Both of the young men are a little thrown off, not used to being interrupted.

 

"U-uh…o-okay…" Rodger stammers out, the now slightly miffed young woman twirling around and stomping off.

 

"Well, she was nice, wasn't she?" Joe says gaily, smiling.

 

"Um, yeah! Yeah, she was really sweet!' Rodger replies, giving an expression that suggests he doesn't whole-heartedly agree with his statement. He hates that Joe seems much more convincing than him in this category. Wait, no he doesn't, he doesn't hate anyone. Never mind.

 

"So, shall we go in?" Joe says, motioning to the door. Rodger feebly nods and they open the door, walking in.

 

"I cannot believe you dropped it in the middle of nowhere! It cost like a million bucks! You are just the worst, Fisher!" a dark-haired missionary wearing a dark purple tie rants, seemingly directed towards another dark-haired elder sitting next to him on the sofa.

 

"ELDER Fisher," a blonde elder corrects him exasperatedly, not looking up from his book.

 

"You are just the worst, ELDER Fisher," the first dark haired missionary repeats.

 

"I'm trying to watch Monty Python, would you guys be quiet?" a redheaded elder groans, sitting crossed-legged on the floor in front of a TV. A TV. Rodger and Joe are both utterly shocked.

 

"Um…excuse me?" Rodger ventures. Joe is simply too shocked to speak. The blonde elder who is reading a book looks up.

 

"Oh. Hi," he says, smiling vaguely, then looking back down at his book.

 

"Uh, well, nice to meet you guys…I'm, um, Elder Grant," Rodger says, not sure who to look at. None of them are interested in looking at him.

 

"I'm Elder Young!" Joe says, mustering up some confidence and grinning around at everyone.

 

"Quiet!" the redhead hisses.

 

"Um, aren't missionaries prohibited from watching TV during their missions?" Rodger asks, knowing the answer already.

 

"Shush!" the redhead hisses again.

 

"Don't keep Elder Goode from his precious Monty Cobra or whatever," an elder in a bright green tie says, slightly sardonic.

 

"Well, uh, I guess we'll go unpack…

 

"You got any smokes?" the dark-haired elder who was berating Elder Fisher asks.

 

"Wh-what? You mean cigarettes? C-certainly not!" Rodger stutters, taken aback by the supposed Elder's inquiry.

 

"Dangit," he curses. Rodger frowns, how could this boy be so flippant with the rules and yet still refuse to swear?

 

"Um…I'm going to just…go and….yeah…" he says, awkwardly shuffling over to a room with an open door that looks empty. Joe, also a little flustered, follows him.

Upon closing the door behind them, Rodger gasps for air, as if all the sin and rule breaking in the living room had been toxic.

 

"Uh…they sure looked like a bunch of fun!" his companion chirps. Joe's ever-persistent niceness rivals even Rodger's, and Rodger invited a guy who punched him in the nose over to dinner. Seeing a band of so-called mormons acting in such a way makes him shudder, although that could potentially be the cold.

 

"We…we should probably just go to bed."

 

"But--"

 

"I don't care what time it is, let's just go to sleep," Rodger insists, stopping his companion before he could speak up.

 

"Okay, Ro-- Elder Grant," Joe says, taken aback by his friend's suddenly authoritative tone, a tone that he hasn't used for over two years. Once they are in only their sleeping garments, Rodger climbs into bed and pulls the covers up over his head. Joe gets into the neighbouring mattress, pulling the duvet over himself tightly, blocking out the cold evening air.

 

It proved quite hard to fall asleep to the sound of the TV, and, later on in the night, a rowdy fight amongst some of the elders. When Rodger and Joe wake up in the morning (both at around 6:31. Rodger promptly freaks out and spends 5 minutes praying to Heavenly Father for forgiveness, all because he overslept by a minute), they get dressed and enter the main room, where only the blonde from the previous evening is sitting, drinking a cup of water.

 

"Hello, Elders," he says, smiling slightly, taking another sip of water.

 

"Hey, sorry we ran off so quickly last night. We were just kind of…overwhelmed by the elders here," Rodger replies apologetically. The blonde laughs.

 

"I know, me and Elder Marshall are pretty much the only ones here who haven't totally given up on everything. I'm Elder Daniels, by the way, your district leader."

 

"Nice to meet you, Elder Daniels, I'm Elder Grant," Rodger replies, smiling and shaking his district leader's hand.

 

"I'm Elder Young!" Joe says, shaking Elder Daniels' hand as well. Elder Daniels smiles at the both of them, clearly more than happy to have some more upstanding mormons around the place.

 

"I hope you two can help us out. Let's just say…we haven't been very lucky here," he says, his face suddenly darkening.

 

"Oh…how many baptisms have you had?" Joe asks, sitting down opposite the blonde on the kitchen table.

 

"Just one," Elder Daniels replies.

 

"That's great!" Rodger says, although he knows full well that it's not. "You just need to get that one baptism and the others will follow, right?"

 

"Haha, right…" Elder Daniels laughs, blatantly not convinced but trying his best to smile and act optimistic. Rodger is notorious in Salt Lake City for his practically patronising nature of patting people on the back and telling them they'll be okay if so much as a splinter ails them. However, as the years have gone by, Rodger has somewhat lost his ability to properly sway people like he once could, and these days his pep talks are usually met with an eye-roll and a sarcastic 'thanks!'. However, he decides that now is the time to bring consoling Rodger Grant back!

 

"Elder Daniels, don't worry. It'll be fine! I and Elder Young will save this village!"

 

"Aww, you sound just like me when I first came here!" the redhead, Elder Goode, from yesterday drawls as he saunters into the joint living room and kitchen. "Hey, Fisher! Come see this. This is the cutest thing ever, get over here!"

 

"Hello there, Elder Goode!" Joe chirps, acting oblivious to the situation. The dark-haired Elder Fisher walks out of the same room as Elder Goode had.

 

"Dude, what the heck? I was trying to sleep, you…poophead." Yet again, the elders here show their inability to swear no matter how late they wake up.

 

"Just check this out; hey, Elder Grint or whatever, what do you plan to do here?" Elder Goode asks, smirking. Rodger feels as if they are mocking him and he frowns.

 

"Whatever has happened to you to make you stray from your mission? I'm sure you used to be a fine mormon, but now you're watching TV and waking up late and acting generally…non-mormon-y," he replies, still frowning. Elder Goode and Elder Fisher both laugh.

 

"Aww, it's like a little puppy," Elder Fisher mockingly coos, cocking his head to one side. "So full of hope and wonder. Can we keep it, Daniels?"

 

"ELDER Daniels!" Elder Daniels growls, almost crushing his plastic cup in his hands. "Go and get dressed, Elder Fisher. You too, Elder Goode."

 

"Alright, whatever you say, Mr. District Leader," Elder Goode replies mockingly, smirking and walking off back into his room, Elder Fisher flashing a sardonic smile and following his companion.

 

"Sorry about them," Elder Daniels apologises to Rodger and Joe, clearly rather embarrassed. "But don't worry, they're the worst. It's all uphill from here. Kinda."

 

"Well, that's good!" Rodger grins, slightly unsure. If that was the worst that these elders can get, he'll be fine. At least, that's what he keeps telling himself.


	2. "Coffeehousing"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Elder Grant and his companion stumble upon an odd game being played by the ex-missionaries of Hasvik.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who are bi-lingual (or those who use google translate), this chapter will prove lots of fun. :)

 

"And I did it because I knew thou art obstinate, and thy neck is an iron sinew, and thy brow brass;" Rodger recites, standing on a smooth rock implanted in the middle of the village. He had tried to recite other passages from the book of mormon in Norwegian but quickly learnt that almost everyone in Hasvik knew a decent amount of English by now, and so reverted back to his native tongue. As he stands on the rock with his companion, preaching to the crowd, his eyes continue to dart to his bike, which is lying unattended, propped up against a nearby fence next to Joe's. He keeps checking for people in balaclavas letting their hands swiftly slip around the precious item and snatch it away before he can do anything to stop them. He has no idea where this fear of thieves has come from, but he intends to be safe rather than sorry. 

 

"Pisspreik!" calls a voice from the crowd. Rodger doesn't know what this word means, which means it's probably a curse word.

 

"Uh…Respekt till alle de norske lesere!" Rodger says, instantly knowing that he must sound like the mexican busboys in America do to Americans in the Norwegian's eyes. Rodger gives a furtive glance to his companion, who quickly speaks up.

 

"Yeah! Uh, Jeg ville gjøre en porno for pengene! Jeg er ikke engang en spøk," he shouts, clearly not one-hundred-percent sure of what he's saying as he keeps checking his palm for noted phrases. The crowd gives a unanimous look of disgust. 

 

"Wait! No! Come back!" Rodger calls as the crowd begins to disperse. Joe gives a pained expression of mixed desperation and hopelessness. Rodger looks over to his companion and quickly takes on the same look.

 

 

 

Returning to the living quarters, the two blonde Elders walk in on a rather unusual scene (at least to them). All of the elders, except for Elder Daniels and Elder Marshall, are sitting in a circle with a pot of coffee in the middle and mugs in front of each of them. They appear to be playing some sort of game. Elder Daniels is reading his book again (he reads it almost as religiously as the Book of Mormon). 

 

"Hi! Uh, what exactly are you guys doing?" Rodger asks, frowning disapprovingly at the circle of mormons.

 

"We're playing coffee housing," Elder Phillips, the rude dark-haired elder who was berating Elder Fisher the previous night, explains. "It's where one of us tries to make a shot into the trash can over there. The person opposite needs to try to psyche us out and if we miss we need to drink a whole mug of coffee in under a minute. If we don't finish the coffee in under a minute, we're out."

 

"That's just BASEketball with coffee," Joe says, frowning.

 

"What?" all the other elders say, not following.

 

"Never mind. You guys really shouldn't be playing this," Rodger says sternly, also giving an angry glare to the misbehaving elders.

 

"Oh, grow up, you old party pooper. It's not like we're forcing YOU to play," Elder Goode says, rolling his eyes and sneering at Rodger. Elder Grant ignores him, still frowning.

 

"Come on, just shoot already. Stop coffee housing," Elder Fisher says, slumping slightly in his chair. 

 

"It's not against the rules!" Elder Goode replies, smirking and shrugging his shoulders.

 

"Just shoot."

 

"Fine." Elder Goode skilfully shoots a ball of scrunched up paper into the trash can, to which the other elders cheer like frat boys.

 

"KOBE!" one of them shouts.

 

"Actually, my name's Corey!" Elder Goode shouts back, continuing to celebrate.

 

"I think you'll find it's Elder Goode," Elder Daniels says, refraining from gritting his teeth, still not looking up from his book. 

 

"Hey fff…freak you, dude!" Elder Goode shoots back. Once again, no actual swear word leaves his lips.

 

"Elder Goode, you're dancing on my last nerve!' Elder Daniels growls, his book hand shaking slightly. The other elders all laugh, except, of course, for Joe, Rodger, Elder Daniels and Elder Marshall, who is quietly preparing dinner. Rodger and Joe join Elder Daniels on the kitchen table, looking down at the rowdy elders around the coffee table next to the small TV.

 

"So…when'd you get the TV?" Joe asks innocently.

 

"I didn't get it, Elder Goode did. On the first night that they forsook the church," Elder Daniels replies, giving the elders below a disdainful look.

 

"How come they're like this, anyway?" Rodger asks, looking concernedly at Elder Butler, the one with a green tie, who is now downing a mug of coffee after missing the shot (thanks to Elder Phillips' psyche out in which he stood up and wiggled his hips, which made Elder Butler laugh so much he threw the ball in the opposite direction). 

 

"Well, actually, it was Elder Goode that got our first baptism. Pia Vinters. However, after that, we didn't get anything for a month. Elder Goode decided he was over it and led the others into rebellion, buying all the booze from the store and buying the TV with all of that month's grocery money. Thing is, they still haven't dared touch the alcohol yet. Even after months of acting like this. They can't even swear or anything. They're the worst anti-mormons ever," Elder Daniels explains, laughing at his ending remark.

 

"Wow. That's…hardcore…" Rodger says, slightly shocked. He thought that the one time he lied through his teeth to his mother was bad. 

 

"Gee, I didn't realise that any mormon could switch around so easily," Joe adds, looking positively shocked. 

 

"Well, Elder Goode was a good mormon. He came in here grinning and full of aspirations, and his biggest aspiration was to baptise a villager. He did. But then, he felt like he needed to top this, and when he couldn't, it broke his little heart," Elder Daniels pours himself some water and begins downing it.

 

"Aww, that's too bad," Joe says, giving an exaggerated saddened look (all of his expressions seem exaggerated, but for Joe Young it seems far more natural than for anyone else).

 

"Nothing we can do about it now. You two, I and Elder Marshall are this village's only hope now. These guys are just here for fun at this point," Elder Daniels replies, refilling his cup. Rodger, Elder Daniels and Joe all sit in silence for the next hour as they eat the pasta that Elder Marshall made, quietly watching the coffee housing game. In the end, it is a tie between Elder Goode and Elder Fisher, who both engage in a moderately violent wrestling match to see who really won, at which point the other elders take it as their cue to hit the hay. 

 

 

 

Rodger wakes up facing his companion's bed. Joe's eyes are wide open, as if in shock.

 

"Elder Young? Are you alright?" Rodger asks, frowning. Suddenly, he realises that the look on his companion's face is the look of someone who has just had a spooky mormon hell dream, a name that is sort of a universal term for the nightmarish vision at this point, after a show about a mormon family coined it in an episode named 'A Hell Dream to Remember'. "Was it…a hell dream?"

 

"No," Joe whispers, still staring unblinkingly. "I'm just scared."

 

"Why?"

 

"I heard something when I woke up in the middle of the night," Joe says, shivering slightly. "It was like a sort of angry moan, like a bear or a moody teenager."

 

"Well, you're still alive so it can't have been anything that could hurt you. Don't worry, J-- Elder Young, everything's okay," Rodger consoles, sitting up in his bed, stretching as he glances at the clock on the wall. It's 6:29. "We're early by one minute, but I guess by the time I'm dressed, it'll be 6:30 when I go to the kitchen.

 

"Now how come you freak out when we're late by one minute, but you're fine with getting up early by one minute?" Joe asks, getting out of bed as well.

 

" _Priorities,_ Elder Young," Rodger replies concisely, grabbing his shirt.

 


	3. Crossing the Line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a childish joke at Rodger's expense drives him to blow up at carefree Elder Goode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mild swearing

When they walk into the kitchen a minute later (and Rodger makes sure that it is exactly one minute later), they see Elder Daniels already sitting next to his companion, Elder Marshall, eating cereal.

 

"Hello there, Elder Grant, Elder Young. The Cheerios have been moved to the upper right cupboard and now the sugar's located next to the cooker. I and Elder Marshall reordered all the supplies last night, we were bored."

 

"Oh, well that's swell!" Rodger says gaily, quickly finding the cereal box and preparing a bowl of Cheerios for himself before handing the box to Joe. "Hey, have either of you written back to your family yet?"

 

"Oh, I and Elder Marshall sure have, but I'm not so sure about the others. I mean, what would they say? 'Hey Mom and Dad, I've willingly gone astray and I don't want to be a missionary anymore so now I'm chugging coffee and wrestling with my brothers'? That letter isn't going to go down well," Elder Daniels replies, laughing slightly. His companion finishes his breakfast and goes to the sink to wash up.

 

"I guess not," Rodger says, shrugging. "I wrote a letter home last night, I'm gonna post it today."

 

"Want me and Elder Marshall to show you where the post office is or can you figure it out on your own?" Elder Daniels asks, glancing over at his companion momentarily.

 

"Oh, we saw it on our way to the square yesterday. I'm sure we can find it again," Rodger assures him, smiling thankfully all the same. At this point, Elder Butler emerges from his room looking like he didn't get very much sleep. He didn't make a single shot last night.

 

"Dudes…I was awake…almost all night last night. I only went to sleep, get this, at four AM," he says, his green tie around his head like a bandana. it seems that he must have used it as an eye pad to get some sleep. Or he wanted to look like a pirate.

 

"Elder Butler, I would appreciate it if you called us by our proper names, as we call you by yours," Elder Daniels says, slightly exasperated, as if he'd said it many times before.

 

"Nah, you don't have to do that. Call me Tom, dude," Elder Butler says, smiling dopily. 

 

"No thank you, Elder Butler," Elder Daniels replies though gritted teeth. Rodger has, by now, noticed a pattern in the district leader's conversations with his peers; one of the other elders will say something stupid and Elder Daniels will half-heartedly try and censor them. It makes Rodger feel bad for the poor guy. He hasn't seen Elder Marshall speak yet, and he's never uttered a word in Rodger's earshot, so it's possible that not even his companion is there for him, although Elder Daniels does seem to like Elder Marshall well enough. Maybe Rodger is just over-thinking things again.

 

"Elder Butler, would you like me and Elder Young to pick anything up for you on our way to the post office this morning?"  Rodger asks politely, giving the brunet a friendly smile.

 

"Could you buy some more coffee? We used up all of our stock last night," he asks back, pushing his fingers through his hair and scratching his head. Rodger sniffs primly and curtly replies

 

"Sure."

 

"You really shouldn't be drinking coffee," Joe says, frowning. "Remember; Joseph Smith went the whole journey without a hot drink and--"

 

"Ugh, not more of this bullpoop," Elder Goode groans, waltzing out of his own room, scratching his…uh, derrière. "Butler, shut him up."

 

"Aw, but it's so sweet when they spew garbage about their religion," Elder Butler coos sardonically. Rodger grits his teeth, the urge to sock the little blighters in the face proving hard to suppress. 

 

"You should keep in mind that it was your religion too," he says, clenching his fists and piercing his palms with his neatly cut nails.

 

"Yeah, man, weren't we idiots back then?" Elder Goode replies, shaking his head and chuckling. 

 

"It was two weeks ago, and you still can't swear any harsher than you could before, nor can you bring yourself to drink alcohol yet," Elder Daniels says, smirking and taking an especially sassy sip of water.

 

"Oh really?" Elder Goode raises an eyebrow at his district leader, crossing his arms.

 

"That wasn't a challenge, I was just saying--"

 

"Well take a look at this, Elder High-and-freaking-mighty," Elder Goode says, wrenching open the fridge. He takes a can of beer out of the fridge and opens it.

 

"Elder Goode, no! That's not what I--"

 

"Check this out, bro!" Elder Goode says, downing half the can in one, gulping loudly. Everyone in the room stares at him in absolute awe. Joe looks ready to faint.

 

"Goode…you've got some serious…confidence!" Elder Butler says, eyes wide.

 

"Here, take a swig," Elder Goode offers the other elder, handing him the can. Elder Butler is hesitant to accept it, but finally gives a determined look and grabs it. He pours the rest of the contents into his mouth and swallows it brazenly. He promptly runs to the bathroom.

 

"Um…I'm going to go…" Rodger says, washing up his empty bowl before once again awkwardly returning to his room. He walks over to his personal end table and goes to pick up his letter. It's not there. Rodger gets down on his hands and knees and looks under the bed, just in case it fell on the floor. Nothing. Rodger knows this can't be good (no story has ever had someone searching for something only to find it moments later) but gets up and searches his bed as well as the rest of the room anyway. Nothing.

 

"Oh Shhh-- Shpadoinkle!" Rodger curses. He curses loudly enough that Joe, who is in earshot just outside the door and still talking to Elder Daniels, looks through the doorway at his companion concernedly.

 

"Hey, Elder Grant, you okay?" he calls. Rodger is still furiously searching every nook and cranny, even though he knows that the letter is definitely not in his room.

 

"I can't find my letter!" he calls back, still searching.

 

"Oh," Joe replies. "Well, uh, do you still want to go to the post office?" Rodger gives his companion an incredulous look. "W-what? What'd I say wrong?"

 

"Well, did you see it this morning?" Elder Daniels asks.

 

"I woke up kind of late, so I didn't check."

 

"Oh…well then I think I know what's happened to it…" Elder Daniels sounds both exasperated and disappointed.

 

"…What?" Rodger asks cautiously, his heart sinking with every possibility that runs through his head. Elder Daniel's doesn't answer him directly, instead he shouts

 

"ELDER FISHER!" to which Elder Fisher groggily pokes his head out of the door.

 

"Ugh, dude, what?"

 

"Where's Elder Grant's letter?"

 

"Ugh, I don't know," Elder Fisher groans. 

 

"Yes, you do," Elder Daniels says, almost exasperated.

 

"Fine. Hey, yo, Corey!" Elder Fisher calls, turning around to face the inside of his room. A few moments later, Elder Goode emerges from the room.

 

"Ugh, dude, what?'"

 

"What'd you do with Elder Grant's letter?" Elder Daniels says. He sounds rather like a patronising school teacher now.

 

"Aha, did mama's little Budgie lose his letter?" Elder Goode asks, once again using the mocking tone that he always does around the two new missionaries. Rodger, being a young man of a fairly stable self-esteem, isn't fazed by Elder Goode's mocking words, all he cares about is the state of the piece of paper on which he spent hours carefully etching words onto. No way is he writing that whole thing again.

 

"Give it back, Elder Goode," Rodger says, storming out. He has zero tolerance for this childish young man's antics.

 

"Is mama's little bird angry?" Elder Goode teases. Rodger ignores him, and walks right into his room. "Woah, dude, what are you--"

 

"Get out of our room, weirdo," Elder Fisher says, shoving Rodger away. Adamant, Rodger pushes past him and starts turning their room upside down.

 

"I'm very sorry, Elders," he says, not sorry in the slightest. "But I am not about to rewrite that letter. Elder Goode, where did you put it?"

 

"Geez, man, chill out!" Elder Goode says, grabbing Rodger by the collar and pulling him away from his bed. "Look, it's not in here!"

 

" _Then. Where. Is. It_?" Rodger growls, glaring at the redhead. Elder Goode looks positively terrified now.

 

"It's…um…it's…"

 

"Elder Goode, where did you put Elder Grant's letter?" Elder Daniels asks sternly, frowning.

 

"Look, I was just fooling around--" the slightly stunned elder begins, putting his hands up.

 

"Where is it, Elder Goode?" Elder Daniels reiterates.

 

"Fine, fine, last night, Elliot and I went out and hid it in the snow. It was just meant to be a prank! I swear!" Elder Goode finally replies. Rodger isn't sure who Elliot is, but guesses it's probably Elder Fisher. He doesn't care though, he doesn't have time to think about trivial little things, he needs to beat the living heck out of Elder Goode. Or not, because he is twice as tall as him and gave Elder Fisher a black eye during their wrestling match, in which case fighting him would probably end similarly for Rodger. Whatever, he needs to do something.

 

"Why? What the heck was that supposed to prove?" Rodger asks furiously, glaring scathingly. "Why do you act like some sort of idiotic frat boy? You're meant to be a mormon missionary."

 

"Dude, I--"

 

"Don't 'Dude' me, you little shit," Rodger interjects, ignoring the sickening pang in his chest for swearing. "I'm sick of this, and I've only been here two days. You don't deserve the roof over your head, this is a place for missionaries and you are no missionary. Drinking alcohol and coffee, stealing from another in the middle of the night and then hiding the stolen object in the snow? May God have mercy on your soul. I'm going out to retrieve my letter to my family."

 

"Elder Grant…!" Joe and Elder Daniels say in unison. The enraged blonde elder ignores them, grabs his companion by the arm and hauls him along after him as he storms out of the door.

 


	4. Conversion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Elder Goode makes a drastic change to his attitude towards the church.

"Elder Grant…did you…?"

 

"Yes, Elder Young, I swore. I was angry, I regret it, but what I don't regret is putting that cocky little…thing in his place."

 

"But…but…all this for a letter?"

 

"Priorities, Elder Young."

 

Rodger Grant and his companion are searching through a blanket of white snow in the middle of November in Hasvik for a letter to Rodger's family. It's not something two mormon missionaries from sunny Utah would ever want to do.

 

"I don't mean to sound rude, but how exactly are we going to find your letter?" Joe asks, looking around at the snow beneath him.

 

"I know Elder Goode's type. He will have left it in plain sight, or at least left some sort of snarky note where it is," Rodger replies. Sure enough, a few moments later, they spot a yellow piece of paper over a small pile of snow behind the cabin.

 

"Hey! You were right!" Joe says, picking the paper up. Rodger snatches it from his companion, looking down at the words.

 

"'To Elder Grant, found this in your room. This is your initiation test'? What the heck?" he reads, his expression darkening with every word. "What does he think this is? A gang?" Joe begins digging into the pile with his gloved hands, eventually finding the opened envelope with Rodger's letter in it.

 

"This is kind of like when Jimmy's book of mormon got thrown down the toilet, remember?" he says, laughing slightly. Rodger can't help but admire Joe's persistent pollyanna attitude. He leans down and picks the letter up. It's rather wet, and really cold.

 

"Well, this thing is ruined. Come on, Elder Young, let's get back inside before we freeze to death," he sighs, putting the sopping letter in his pocket. Rodger and his companion both make their way back to the front of the cabin and happily welcome the warmth that hits them as they re-enter it. Elder Marshall is dusting off the tables and seats and Elder Daniels is still looking rather shocked, holding his glass of water tightly. Rodger doesn't say anything as he walks through the joint kitchen and living room. Joe gives the two other elders a friendly smile, following his companion back into their room. Rodger throws his soaking letter and envelope into the trash can and picks up a comb on his end table, fixing his hair. Joe sits on his bed, taking his shoes off and massaging his feet.

 

"Boy, it sure is cold out there, who'd have thought Norway would be this cold?" he says, slipping his socks back on. Rodger gives him a slightly exasperated and incredulous look, but quickly dismisses it.

 

"Well, I guess we'll have to get used to it if we're going to be standing out in the cold every day, trying to get people to listen to us," he says, carefully flattening his hair with his hand. Then, he picks up his overcoat again and puts it back on. He grabs his hat and walks back out into the living room. Once again, upon entering the main room a strange sight catches his eye. Well, it's a strange sight for him now that he's gotten used to elders drinking coffee and wrestling, but it would be normal in a regular setting. Elder Goode, his shirt neatly done up and his tie straight, sitting with Elder Daniels and animatedly chatting with him, his black bag on his back.

 

"…but whatever made you change your mind?' Elder Daniels asks him, a mix of intrigue and surprise on his face.

 

"I guess I gave up too soon, now I'm ready to get back out there and save the people of this village!" Elder Goode replies.

 

"What?" Rodger splutters impulsively, not sure what exactly he's witnessing. This attracts the attention of the redheaded elder, who turns around and grins.

 

"Elder Grant!" Elder Goode chirps. "There you are! I wanted to thank you personally!"

 

"What?' Rodger repeats, utterly lost.

 

"Your words truly struck a chord with me, Elder. So full of commitment and passion for the church. It made me realise that I need to shape up if I ever want to see the gates of heaven."

 

"…what?" Rodger repeats once again, confused beyond reason. Elder Goode's grin drops a little.

 

"Um, I'm not sure how else I could phrase that…" he says unsurely.

 

"Elder Grant, you have done something incredible!" Elder Daniels says, grinning as well.

 

"Oh…have I?" Rodger asks, vaguely glad at this news.

 

"Yes! Your little rant earlier made Elder Goode here repent his sins! He wants to be a mormon again!" Elder Daniels explains excitedly, grinning even wider. Elder Goode grins as well. Rodger, who doesn't believe a word of it but is always one to give others the benefit of the doubt, forces his own cheesy grin and replies

 

"That's great."

 

"Say, can I and Elder Fisher tag along with you guys for the missionary work today?" Elder Goode asks. Rodger keeps the plastered on smile.

 

"Nobody's stopping you," he replies politely, just as Joe walks out of their room, fully geared up for the bike ride into the village. "Come on, Elder Young," he calls. Elder Fisher emerges from his room, also geared up for a mission.

 

"Coming!" Joe replies, trotting alongside his companion as they walk over to the door. As they open the front door, Elder Goode and Elder Fisher follow them closely.

 

"Hey, Elder Grant, how come they're coming with us?" Joe asks, glancing behind them as they collect their bikes from outside.

 

"Apparently, they've had a change of heart now," Rodger whispers back, slightly sardonically.

 

"Oh, well that's swell!" Joe says gaily, beaming back at the men behind them. The four missionaries all begin pushing their bikes through the thick snow, a task that takes considerable effort.

 

"Whew…haven't done this in a while…" Elder Fisher grunts, his bike catching every so often on a stone or concealed stick. Once they reach a flat path, they all mount their bikes and start cycling, Rodger in the lead followed by Joe, Elder Goode and Elder Fisher (in that order). As they ride, Rodger does his very best just to focus on remembering the Norwegian phrases that he learnt last night, but he can't help part of his conscience telling him he should be more distrustful of Fisher and Goode. No one, not even a former mormon, can change their mind that quickly. Rodger is a persuasive talker but not THAT persuasive. Rodger decides that he doesn't need to be unconditionally nice and trusting towards EVERYONE. Only those who still have any chance with Heavenly Father.  
Oh, gosh. What is he thinking? He can't start being spiteful on his first mission week. He refuses to allow himself to be corrupted with spite or hate. At least, not right now. He's got stuff to do right now, he doesn't have time for his inner monologues about the morality of his actions and thoughts. He has way too many of those as it is.

 

"Hei, jet er en kvinne pa natter. Vil du ha litt moro?" a pretty blonde woman (the only kind of woman they see these days) says, giving Elder Fisher a warm smile. Rodger understands what she says, but only Elder Goode seems to understand as well because, while Rodger looks horrified and Elder Goode is suppressing a laugh, Elder Young and Elder Fisher are both politely returning the smile and speaking to her in broken Norwegian.

 

"We must move on, Elder Young…" Rodger says sternly, grabbing his friend by the sleeve and tugging at it slightly. "We need to get to the square, now."

 

"Now, now, don't be rude, Elder Grant!" Elder Fisher says, and edge of mockery in his voice. Elder Goode elbows him, frowning momentarily. Elder Fisher turns back around to the lady and continues to speak to her. Elder Goode then gives Rodger a 'should we tell them?' look, to which Rodger angrily mouths 'No!', and resumes his attempt to pull his companion away.

 

"Come on, Elder Young…" Rodger says, gritting his teeth in a forced smile directed towards the woman.

 

"Er det noen som vet hvorden de fikk de vester pa sa raskt i Sia den av?" Elder Fisher asks the woman (Rodger isn't sure what exactly he's saying, but it sounds like a question).

 

"Vestene ble fylt inni for sine busker," the woman replies. Rodger hears the Norwegian word for 'pants' and practically hauls Joe away, grabbing both of their bikes with him and completely legging it out of there. Elder Goode does the same, finally letting a hysterical laugh burst out of him.

 

"Well that wasn't very nice, Elder Grant," Joe says indignantly.

 

"We need to get to the square., we can't be talking to people like that," Rodger replies, his face flushed.

 

"Well, why not?" Joe asks, frowning. Rodger sighs, almost envious of his companion's naiveté.

 

"I--"

 

"She was a hooker," Elder Goode states bluntly. Rodger shoots him a withering glare.

 

"Like a fisherman? Or, I guess, a fisherwoman? Well what's so scary about that?" Joe asks, crossing his arms and abruptly stopping. Rodger pulls his friend aside, trying to contain himself.

 

"Listen, Elder Young, that woman…she…she…she isn't pure, like Lisa, okay? She's…she's one of those, what d'you call 'em…uh, you know…thingies…starts with a p…come on, Elder Young! You know what I mean."

 

"What?" Joe asks, frowning even more. Rodger hears a sigh from behind them.

 

"She gets money from making whoopee with people that she isn't married to," Elder Goode says, injecting himself into the conversation. Joe's eyes widen at this, and he coughs awkwardly.

 

"Uhuh, uh, yeah. I think I understand now," he says, deepening his voice and coughing again. Elder Goode gives a slightly patronising smile and return to his bike, hopping back onto it. Although not entirely agreeing with his approach to the matter, Rodger accepts this method out of exhaustion (explaining things to Joe, who is such an innocent, naive young man can get really tiresome) and he too gets back onto his bike before pushing off with the others.

 

Once they reach the town square, Rodger takes out his book of mormon, flipping to the passage that he has chosen for today. The very sight of the book lifts his spirits, as it always has. He casually recites the chosen passage in his mind and translates it into Norwegian, saying the translated words under his breath. He lets out a sigh, smiling blissfully at the idea of sharing these wonderful scriptures with the poor, lost, helpless Norwegians. 

 

"So, what are we doing today?" Elder Goode asks, an unfamiliar air of enthusiasm about him. Rodger glances at him skeptically, then replies

 

"Did you bring your copy?"

 

"Oh, sure I did, it's right here," Elder Goode pulls the blue book out of his pocket, much to Rodger's surprise.

 

"Um, okay, well, today we'll be teaching them 3 Nephi Chapter 22," he says, gesturing to the page that he has opened to in his own book. Elder Goode flips to the same chapter and begins reading it over. Rodger turns his attention to his companion, who is propping their bikes up again the same fence as the previous day. Elder Fisher is carrying a bag full of groceries that they picked up on the way. At the store, they just so happened to run into Velma again. Rodger had, obviously, been polite to her despite her terseness on their first day, but Elder Goode and Elder Fisher talked to her as if she was their best friend, probably thanks to their lengthier time in Hasvik. Now, Rodger isn't one to actively eavesdrop, but he couldn't help overhearing their conversation as he browsed the store. Completely by accident, he learnt that Velma is Pia Vinters' sister. Velma seemed surprised to see the two back to being missionaries, but they quickly convinced her that it was for the better. She suddenly started gushing about them, saying they were brave and courageous to return to a faith that they forsook, and garbage like that. Rodger was a little annoyed seeing as he was (supposedly) the one who turned them around. Then he remembered that he doesn't even fully believe that they are genuinely sincere about becoming missionaries again, and quickly dismissed the thought. Jealousy doesn't look good on a mormon, anyway.

 

"Alright, you guys. Elder Young and I will do the talking, and you two just…just watch for today, okay?" Rodger announces, climbing up onto the rock in the middle of the square. 

 

"Sure thing, we'll guard the bikes," Elder Fisher suggests, smiling enthusiastically. Rodger gives him a curt, silent nod before spotting the crowd from yesterday exasperatedly filing into the square. For people so uninterested in the church, they still continue to attend the workshops when asked. 

  

"Why, um, Hallo there, everybody!" Rodger begins, giving a toothy smile to the villagers. "So, uh, are you guys all ready to listen to some scriptures?"

 

"Din mor er en geit!" one of the members of the small crowd calls out. The outcry is met by a unanimous wave of mild laughter from the rest of the group. Rodger continues to smile awkwardly, not recognising any of these words. Elder Goode stifles a snort of laughter, shaking his head. Rodger only just refrains from giving him a withering look, and instead focuses on progressing the workshop.

 

"So, today we will be studying Third Nephi, chapter 22. Who's excited for some scripture reading?"

 

"Oh, Gosh," Elder Goode sighs, rolling his eyes and letting his head fall into his right palm.

 

"What's wrong, Elder Goode?" Rodger growls at him, his teeth tightly gritted in frustration, giving an incredibly patronising smile.

 

"Are you seriously doing this? Seriously?"

 

"What?" Rodger asks, crossing his arms indignantly. The crowd is happy to have a distraction and begins talking amongst themselves.

 

"Elder Grant, listen to me, okay? These are grown men and women who have gotten used to thinking there is no God, and have committed many a sin and felt pleasure from it, thus making religion that forbids such sins seem undesirable. I sure as heck didn't land a baptism because I just read scriptures all day," Elder Goode replies in a hushed whisper. Rodger narrows his eyes at him, frowning.

 

"What do you mean? This is what we're meant to be doing. Leading workshops in the morning and going door-to-door in the afternoon. Both of those require a bit of scripture reading."

 

"Look, I know this may be hard to conceive, Elder Grant, but the only way to get these people to listen is to do what I did."

 

"And what's that?" Rodger asks, sarcastically continuing, "Drink beer and coffee and generally just spit in the face of the church?"

 

"Alright, alright, I get it, but hear me out; we just need to get to them on a personal level instead of treating the crowd as one entity."

 

"We try to do that already when we go door-to-door, but they don't let us in their homes no matter how much we compliment them."

 

"No, I mean, become their friends. Don't mention anything to do with the church for the first few days, then you kind of seduce them with the church and it's perks," Elder Goode explains. "Here, let me try. I've been cooking up friendships without a mention of religion for a month now." Elder Goode shoos Rodger off of the stone, taking his place. 

 

"Um, Elder Grant, what is Elder Goode doing?" Joe asks his companion, furrowing his brow. Rodger scowls at the redheaded elder who has just unceremoniously dethroned him as leader of the group.

 

"Beats the heck out of me," Rodger grumbles, folding his arms and retaining his scowl. This completely alien feeling of disdain is surprisingly easy to convey, something that kind of worries Rodger, seeing as he is meant to be super nice and polite to everyone.

At the sight of Elder Goode on the elevated rock, the crowd cheers in the same way old friends do when they bump into you around town.

 

"Hei alle sammen! How are you all?" Elder Goode asks, smiling around at everybody. He sits down on the edge of the rock and crosses his legs.

 

"Mr. Goode!" one of the crowd greets him, running to the front. They shake hands and casually exchange greetings before Elder Goode addresses the whole crowd.

 

"Hey, so you guys have all met my buddies, Elder Fisher, Elder Young and Elder Grant, right?" he questions them, gesturing to the three other missionaries. A unanimous, monotone sound of agreement rises from the crowd. "Good, good. Well, we wanted to tell you all about Joseph Smith's encounter with a cannibal!"

 

"WHAT?" Rodger splutters.

 

"Like Andor Wolff?" a young man from the crowd asks.

 

"Exactly like him!" Elder Goode replies. Rodger recalls that Andor Wolff is a convicted and escaped criminal here in Hasvik, and the villagers all have firearms hanging up in their homes, ready to be taken down and used for action at a moments notice. Rodger may have been a little bit paranoid on the first night, being away from the safety of the village in an easily penetrable bungalow, but he quickly forgot about it. 

 

"Elder Goode, this isn't--" Rodger begins. Elder Goode silences him with a glare and a wave of his hand. Rodger resumes his scowling quickly afterwards. 

 

"That's right! On his way to the promised land, Joseph Smith was...looking for some fresh water. Yeah! And he met with a trader. This trader just so happened to be…to be…"

 

"Archie Montgomery!" Elder Fisher jumps to his companions rescue, hopping up onto the rock as well. Elder Goode closes his eyes and sighs.

 

"Seriously, Fisher?" he whispers under his breath. "Fine, yeah, he was called Archie Montgomery. Joseph Smith was about to trade with him when he saw a human hand peeking out of his bag!"

 

"Oh did he?" Rodger asks sarcastically, raising an eyebrow. Elder Goode ignores him and continues

 

"He and the mormons were scared for their lives. You know what he did?"

 

"What?" the whole crowd asks, already intrigued.

 

"Joseph Smith beat him round the head with a bat and ran off with the others, and then that night he prayed for the man to become a better person," Elder Goode finishes. The whole crowd looks surprised. Rodger scoffs, looking away angrily. 

 

"Oh wow, so did he change his ways?" Elder Fisher says, exaggerating an enthusiastic tone.

 

"Nobody knows, but it takes real integrity and righteousness to pray for somebody who almost chopped you up and ate you," Elder Goode replies, smiling around at the crowd, which is alive with muttering. Rodger wrinkles his nose and shifts his weight from one foot to the other. 

 

"So…if Andor Wolff comes to our village…we just need to hit him on the head?" one of the crowd members questions. 

 

"Yes, oh, and make sure you pray every night that Heavenly Father cures his diseased mind," Elder Fisher adds, grinning. The villagers look a little skeptical at the mention of prayer. However, Elder Goode quickly interjects

 

"Well, I think that's enough for today. You guys go on back home and have a nice lunch. See ya!"

 

"Um, Elder Goode, the session doesn't end for another hour," Elder Young whispers.

 

"They'll get bored after an hour, we need to keep them interested," Elder Goode replies discreetly through gritted teeth. 

 

"Oh! Okay," Joe chirps, smiling. Rodger huffs. As the crowd disperses, he stomps up to Elder Goode and snaps

 

"Just what the heck was that?" to which Elder Goode smirks, lifting his head up and crossing his arms.

 

"That, Elder Grant, is how you build your cult."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm slightly annoyed because whenever I read this back, I seem to be implying a Rodger X Corey ship. This was not the intention. Why must redheaded mormons be so enormously gay? FML.


	5. Lunchtime with the Hasvik Elders

As per usual, Elder Daniels is found drinking a cup of water in the kitchen, sitting on the same seat at the kitchen counter with his book. Rodger has yet to ask him just what he's reading, as he can't peek at the cover when Elder Daniels keeps the book firmly planted down on the tabletop. 

 

"Oh, hello, Elder Goode, Elder Fisher, Elder Grant and Elder Young," he says monotonously.

 

"Dang, how do you do that?" Elder Fisher asks him, laughing slightly.

 

"Do what?"

 

"Remember all of our names," Elder Fisher continues. Elder Daniels neatly bookmarks his place in his book and closes it before answering

 

"As district leader, it is my duty to teach you the values of companionship, which includes knowing your companions by their _proper_ name. What sort of example would I set by forgetting your names?"

 

"True, true," Elder Fisher replies, nodding. Elder Goode practically collapses on the sofa, staring at the blank TV, overtly wistful.

 

"Will we be getting rid of the television now that you and Elder Fisher have had a drastic change of mind?" Elder Daniels questions, smirking slightly. Rodger can't help but feel respect for the guy, he may have blindly accepted that Elder Goode had changed his mind about the church, but he isn't stupid. 

 

"You'd be lucky to pry it from Stew's greedy hands," Elder Goode laughs. 

 

"Who?" Elder Daniels raises an eyebrow. Elder Goode quickly coughs before correcting himself.

 

"Oh, uh, I mean, Elder Phillips."

 

"Very good, Elder," Elder Daniels says in patronising tone akin to a dog owner praising their dog for learning a new trick. Rodger is quietly unzipping his many layers and hanging them up on the coat rack as the conversation unfolds. He notices Elder Marshall, equally as silent as he prepares a ham sandwich for his lunch. Just as the three conversing men mention Elder Phillips, the very same purple-tied elder comes sauntering out of his room.

 

"So, here are the living, breathing spiritual light switches," he drawls, referring overtly to Elder Goode and his companion. "Elder Daniels told me all about your sudden 'conversion'."

 

"Dude--" Elder Goode sees Elder Daniels shooting him a stern glare in the corner of his eye. "--Elder Phillips, we don't judge you for what you believe in, so don't judge us."

 

"Oh, bullcrap," Elder Phillips splutters. He smiles triumphantly and, turning towards his bedroom door, shouts "Hey, Butler! I said bullcrap!"

 

"Cool."

 

"Anyway, I'm pretty sure the last time I saw you, you sure as heck weren't interested in the church," Elder Phillips says. Rodger, who has just entered his room finds himself -- once again, completely coincidentally -- eavesdropping on the conversation. He has somehow tripped and now has his ear pressed to the door, of course just by accident. He's quite comfortable in this position, so that's why he's still leaning against the door. This is all one-hundred-percent fortuitous. 

 

"Yeah, well, I guess I just gave up too early," Elder Goode says, presumably shrugging.

 

"Tell me the real reason, come on," Elder Phillips insists. Seeing as Elder Daniels is still in the same room, Elder Goode isn't likely to spill some sort of master plan. Nonetheless, Rodger incidentally presses up against the door even more. Of course, it's just happenstance that he does. 

 

"I don't know what you want me to say, to pick up chicks?" Elder Goode replies, laughing.

 

"Is it because of Pia?" Elder Phillips asks him. 

 

"Eh, well, if I'm being totally honest," he begins. Rodger's feet give way a bit and he presses up closer to the door. Maybe he did this a tad bit on purpose. "I got a serious ass-whooping from the new missionary here, like, he freaking flipped out because of some dumb prank I pulled. Then I remembered Pia, and everything just kind of came back and I guess I had a change of heart."

 

"You're like a tree, Goode, you're--"

 

"Full of sap?" Elder Goode finishes. Rodger rolls his eyes. "Not the first time I've heard that."

 

"I don't believe you for a second, you know," Elder Phillips states.

 

"I know," Elder Goode replies, entirely unfazed. 

 

"Well, are you actually converted back or not?"

 

"To a degree."

 

"What the heck's that s'posed to mean?"

 

"Get a freaking dictionary, Stewie, geez," Elder Goode groans. Rodger hears the couch creaking slightly and deduces that one of them must have gotten up.

 

"Get me some chips, 'kay?" Elder Phillips shouts. Presumably, it was Elder Goode who had gotten up and now Rodger could hear the rustling of a chip bag from the direction of the kitchen. There is nothing to list-- ahem, it is possible to stand up properly now for Rodger, so he ceases leaning against the door, which he had just so happened to fall onto earlier. 

 

"Elder Grant, why were you--"

 

"Ssh! I'm trying to…rest."

 

"Rest?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Against a door?"

 

"Be quiet, Elder Young."

 

"Okay," Joe says, looking back down at his copy of the Book of Mormon. "So, you psyched for the door-to-door today?"

 

"You bet I am, finally we can get back to telling them the RIGHT version of The Book."

 

"Well, I didn't think Elder Goode's story was all that bad. It got them interested, didn't it?"

 

"That's not the point, Elder Young. Yes, we want them to be interested in joining, but not based on lies."

 

"Oh, well, I guess that is kinda true. Well, what are we gonna have for lunch?"

 

"Huh? Oh, right, yeah. Um, I don't know."

 

"Maybe we should try out the local food!" Joe suggests excitedly. Rodger contemplates this momentarily before shaking his head.

 

"We don't know the good places around town yet. We have two years to get acquainted to this place and it's locals. This is only our second day, I think a simple ham sandwich should suffice."

 

"Yeah, plus Lisa says that the fish here tastes like trash can juice," Joe states, very nonchalant. He flips to the next page of his Book of Mormon, sniffing out of habit. Rodger, who has been giving a slightly disgusted look at Joe's rather vivid description, sighs and opens the door, walking out into the kitchen. Elder Fisher and Elder Phillips are chatting on the couch whilst Elder Goode jadedly tosses potato chips onto their heads to annoy them as he leans against the kitchen table. Elder Daniels continues to read his book, occasionally licking his thumb and turning the page. It's too large to be the Book of Mormon, but Rodger can't figure out what it could be. You aren't allowed anything except books from the approved reading list. It certainly isn't one of the church magazines, it's definitely a book. Yet it doesn't look like any of the books that he has in his own luggage. Rodger begins to question why he even cares so much about this. He decides that he should probably just stop thinking about it, that would be for the best. 

 

"Hey, Elder Daniels, do we have any ham left?" Rodger asks. 

 

"Hmm?" Elder Daniels replies, looking up. "Oh, I think so. Elder Marshall, can you show Elder Grant where we keep the meat?" Elder Marshall opens the fridge and vaguely points to the second last shelf before picking his own sandwich back up and taking a bite. Joe emerges from the room as well, following Rodger into the kitchen as he pulls out the Norwegian ham. After preparing himself a nice, neatly laid out sandwich, he sits down on the seat next to Elder Daniels, Joe taking the seat on his other side once his own lunch is prepared. "So, how was the workshop this morning?"

 

"Well,--" Rodger begins, but out of nowhere, Joe interrupts him.

 

"It was swell!" Joe says, taking an overly enthusiastic bite of his sandwich. Rodger gives him a slightly confused look before beginning again

 

"…At first, but then--"

 

"Th-then we really blew them away!" Joe interjects. He gives Rodger an uncharacteristically angry glare. Rodger merely makes an expression of incredulousness and confusedness, emotions one feels very often in the company of Joseph Young.

 

"Oh, well that's great! See, Elder Goode? These two really can help!" Elder Daniels says, gently nudging Elder Goode from across the table.

 

"Actually, Elder Daniels--" Rodger begins again before once again being rudely cut off by his companion.

 

"It was thanks to Elder Goode, he taught them all about the Book of Mormon, _didn't he, Elder Grant_?" Joe says as he begins staring even more intensely. Rodger can't seem to figure out why Joe is trying to defend Elder Goode. _He can't possibly agree with him, can he?_

 

"Uh, well," Rodger begins. Joe's stare intensifies and quickly he replies "Yeah, um, he really…helped."

 

"Oh, great!" Elder Daniels says, evidently a bit confused by the two's slightly odd exchange of angry stares. "Um, so which houses are you going to? I and Elder Marshall will be handling the houses on Sandveien, what about you guys?"

 

"Um, well, probably most of Hasvågveien, and then we'll go to the store and get some bicycle chains," Rodger replies, finally abanoning his glaring match with Joe.

 

"Oh, yeah. My bicycle was stolen on the first day! Wish I'd thought to bring my own chain to keep it safe," Elder Daniels adds, laughing slightly. He realises that they've entered into a fully-fledged conversation and so he bookmarks his place in his book before closing it, as he always does. 

 

"Oh no, it was? That's awful..." Rodger says, suddenly feeling extremely grateful that his own MTC-issued bike hasn't met the same fate as his district leader's. 

 

"How do you get around, then?" Joe asks.

 

"Oh, I mostly just walk everywhere, it's good exercise," Elder Daniels replies, picking up his mug and taking a sip of water, something that Rodger has recently inferred as possibly some sort of nervous tick or something, since there's some sort of pattern to his periodical sips. This has nothing to do with anything, and Rodger is aware of this. He's beginning to annoy even himself.

 

"That's gotta be tiring, though, right?"

 

"I got used to it after a couple months, aha," Elder Daniels says, shrugging. He claims that he is fine with it, but somehow Rodger feels rather as though he might just be being modest. Walking everywhere for two months can't be pleasant. _He_ gets blisters after walking for just _thirty minutes_ in the snow. Elder Marshall, meanwhile, carefully places his plate in the sink behind them before walking over to a mirror and adjusting his tie. Elder Daniels sips away at his water. The potato chip throwing continues without interruption while Joe and Rodger begin talking about the routes they will have to take. Rodger still isn't satisfied, however. The glaring competition is not over, that's for sure.

 

 


	6. Pia Pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rodger and Joe meet Pia Vinters for the first time after an uneventful afternoon of proselytising.

"No, you see, there's a fifty percent chance that the cat dies and a fifty percent chance it lives, so really you can only know if you open the cage and check. See, it's a metaphor."

 

"But what does it prove?"

 

"It proves that you can't get results unless you go ahead and press that button without obsessing over what happens when you open the door. Or something about alternate universes, I don't know."

 

"Oh, I think we're here," Joe says, gesturing to the path in front of him and his companion. They're on Hasvagveien 39, 9590, according to Rodger's map. Ahead of where they are currently standing are three houses; one red and beige house that has a sign saying something like 'For Sale' in Norwegian in its yard, another that seems to merely be abandoned. However, the lights are on in the final house, right down the end. The two missionaries continue to roll their bikes alongside them (Joe's front tire burst after hitting a rather sharp stick, so they both just walked for the rest of the journey) as they near the white two-story cabin ahead, Rodger beginning a new conversation. 

 

"Please don't mess it up this time. Remember, I'm going to say 'Hello, my name is Elder Grant, and then you say 'And I'm Elder Young' and then we both say in unison 'we're from the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints!' and then we smile."

 

"Right, just like in MTC."

 

"Exactly," Rodger agrees, just as they approach the front door. Once they ring the doorbell, they both begin quickly adjusting their ties and collars, straightening their sleeves and fixing their hair. The door opens to reveal none other than Velma Vinters, clearly just awoken from a nap.

 

"Oh, it is you. What do you want?"

 

"Sorry, did we disturb your nap?" Rodger asks apologetically. "I mean, I'm Elder Grant and--"

 

"I know already. Please go," Velma cuts him off, looking very unimpressed. 

 

"Wait! H-hear us out!" Joe quickly pleads. "Uh…uh..don't you want to know about how Joseph Smith defeated a cannibal?"

 

"Oh my gosh," Rodger exclaims, "Joseph Smith did NOT meet with a cannibal, Velma, Joe just--"

 

"Really? Like Andor Wolff?" Velma asks, diverting all her attention to Joe. 

 

"Uh, yeah! He--"

 

"Velma, Joseph Smith never met a cannibal! Elder Young is just a bit…misguided, " Rodger interjects, putting a hand over his companion's mouth. Joe wrenches the hand away and quickly says

 

"He did, he met with a cannibal! And the cannibal--"

 

"Shut up, Elder Young!" Rodger snaps, turning around and glaring at him. 

 

"Why can't I tell her the cannibal story?"

 

"Because it's not true!"

 

"So? It teaches people about turning the other cheek while also defending themselves!"

 

"It's still blasphemy!" Rodger practically shouts. Suddenly, a loud 'SLAM!' directs their attention to the door, and they quickly realise that Velma has already bailed.

 

"Oh," is all that Joe can say to this. "Sorry for starting a fight, Elder Grant" he apologises, looking down at his feet.

 

"It's okay," Rodger sighs. "Let's just…go."

 

"Yeah," Joe agrees, and they both go back down the stairs from the small ledge that they're on to get their bikes. Thank goodness, they're still there. The two missionaries then begin pushing their bikes back out onto the path.

 

 

 

"Er du sikker på at du ikke had noe i lilla?" the girl leaning against the hardware store's counter asks. Rodger and Joe have just entered the shop after a very unsuccessful day of missionary work to pick up some supplies. First on the list is a bicycle tire pump and some tape. The girl at the counter has that sort of fiery red hair that looks implausible but, apparently, is totally natural. It's so notable because she's only wearing white, which means that her flaming red hair falling against it stands out like blood on a white marble floor. 

 

"Du er den åpenbare kjærlighet interesse, og alle vet det," the cashier says, evidently very annoyed. From what he knows of Norwegian, Rodger can understand that the girl wants something in purple and the man is growing irritated by her, probably telling her that they don't have one of whatever she wants in that colour.

 

"Ugh!" she exclaims, spinning around in a huff. Catching sight of Rodger and Joe, who have been browsing the store, she gasps. Rodger looks up suddenly, wondering what's wrong. She begins grinning wildly and both Rodger and Joe are a bit confused. "You are…missionaries?" she asks, acting like she just saw a celebrity.

 

"Um, yeah!" Rodger replies, smiling vaguely. He's not sure where this is going, but she seems excited to see them which must be good.

 

"Oh my gosh! I am Pia! Do you know me?" she squeals, running up to them. Rodger's eyes widen.

 

"Oh! So you're Pia? Well, sure, I've heard about you! Nice to meet--"

 

"You are friends with Elder Goode?" she asks enthusiastically, practically jumping up and down.

 

"Uh, well, we know him," Joe answers. 

 

"I'm sure he told you a lot about me, he and I are best friends!" Pia says, almost squealing. She suddenly grabs Joe's tie and starts inspecting it. "I love your uniforms so much! Ties are so cool. My mother will not let me have a tie."

 

"Oh, that's a shame," Joe says, seemingly gasping for air (the violent tug had tightened the knot and now he seems to be asphyxiating. "P-Pia, could you maybe let go for a second?"

 

"Oh, I am sorry," Pia says, quickly letting go of Joe's tie and allowing him to loosen it. "I just really like the uniform. When Elder Goode baptised me, I thought he was going to drop me so I grabbed his tie and he nearly choked! Aha."

 

"Aha, yeah…" Rodger replies uncomfortably, giving a nervous laugh. 

 

"Well, uh, nice to meet you, Pia!" Joe says, sticking out a hand for her to shake. She eagerly takes it, shaking it vigorously before taking Rodger's hand (he hadn't offered it, but he has no problem with this pretty young woman clasping his hand in both of hers) and shaking it as well. 

 

"It is so amazing to see more of you guys! I LOVE missionaries! Nobody else here cares about the church, and my mother will not let me go to the mission cabin, so I have nobody to talk to. I don't even see Elder Goode anymore, he used to come into town all the time but now he doesn't. It is so amazing to see more of you!" she babbles, grinning at both of them. 

 

"Your English is really good!" Joe says, smiling back at her. 

 

"Thank you! Elder Goode taught me how to speak English more fluently back when I first started doing sessions with him!" Pia replies. 

 

"How come your sister isn't as interested in the church?" Rodger asks.

 

"I don't know, she is very odd. We both like Elder Goode, though, he is so great at telling stories," Pia answers, absently pushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

 

"Um…what…what kind of stories?" Rodger asks, suddenly feeling a sinking sensation in his chest. This can't be good. 

 

"You know, Book of Mormon stories!" Pia says, nudging him. "Don't tell me you've never read them!"

 

"Of course I've read Book of Mormon stories, I'm just not sure if I've read the ones he might have told you…" Rodger replies, his face darkening.

 

"Oh, well my favourite is the one about when Joseph Smith was shot, it is so sad. I almost cried, it is so touching. It makes him seem more like a martyr, do you know what I mean?" she gushes, closing her eyes as she talks about the story. Rodger lets out a sigh of relief.

 

"Oh, yeah, of course. I know that part. I agree, it's so sad," Rodger replies. Joe nods in agreement as well. Pia grins at both of them, but before she can add anything, the man at the counter begins scowling at all three of them irately.

 

"La oss innse det, vi alle bruker internett til a oversette dette," he growls, glaring. From the sounds of it, he wants them out of his store unless they're going to buy something. 

 

"Jeg ønsker fortsatt en jævla lilla sykkel," Pia replies, giving him an apologetic smile. "What do you two want?" she asks, turning around to face Rodger and Joe.

 

"Oh, well, we need to fix Elder Young's bike so we need to get a bicycle pump and some tape, then we'e hoping that they'll have some bicycle chains so they don't get stolen," Rodger answers, tapping an individual finger as he lists off each item. Pia just nods at first, but then her eyes wonder up to look out of the window and her expression suddenly darkens.

 

"Oh, well, I think you're a little bit late…" she says, slowly pointing outside. Rodger is confused at first, but when he turns around and looks outside, he realises what's happening and quickly bolts out of the shop. Elder Young, catching on as well, sprints out along with him. 

 

"Oh, come on!" Rodger yells, seeing the two thieves run off with their bikes. "Shhh…shpadoinkle."

 

"Oh, don't worry, Elder Grant. It happened to Elder Daniels too," Joe points out. Rodger turns around slowly to give his companion a look of mixed contempt and irateness.

 

"How is that supposed to help?!" he asks incredulously. As usual, Joe simply replies with an indignant frown. 

 

"Can you not get new ones?" Pia asks, walking out of the store as well, zipping up her coat. Rodger sighs, slightly exasperated but, more than anything, exhausted.

 

"No, we cannot get new ones. We can only drive MTC issued vehicles. If you lose your bike, that's it."

 

"They do not give you another one?" 

 

"No."

 

"Oh." That conversation ends here.  

 

"Well…we can always ask the other elders if we can have their bikes!" Joe suggests. "I mean, the ones who still aren't mormons. Elder Butler would probably let us have his and Elder Phillips', they're pretty cool."

 

"Just forget it, okay?" Rodger says. "We'll just walk everywhere now. It's…it's good exercise."

 

"Well, do you still want to buy something?" Pia asks, gesturing to the shop door. 

 

"No, no point now. We might as well go back to the mission house."

 

"Ooh! Can I come?" Pia asks

 

"Huh?" Joe and Rodger ask in unison.

 

"I really want to see the mission house, but my mother does not let me visit because of Andor Wolff," Pia explains. "He lives behind that hill on the way."

 

"Wait…he does?" Joe asks, suddenly going pale. 

 

"Yeah! That hill on the way. He lives just behind it in a little tent."

 

"If you know this, then how come nobody's captured him yet?" Rodger asks sceptically. 

 

"The police are too scared. Apparently, he has an axe, a gun and a grenade! Pretty cool, huh?"

 

"We live right next to him…" Joe whispers, his eyes wide.

 

"Elder Young, I'm sure he's not about to risk capture by coming out of his camp just to eat some boring old mormons," Rodger assures him.

 

"How do you know?" Joe questions him, looking positively terrified. 

 

"Gosh darnit," Rodger mutters. "Elder Young, calm down, we've survived two days already, right?"

 

"WHAT IF HE'S WATCHING US RIGHT NOW?!" Joe virtually screams. 

 

"Elder Young," Pia says calmly, placing a hand on each of Joe's shoulders. "The only one watching us right now is Heavenly Father."

 

"Y-yeah! Do you really think Heavenly Father would let us die at the hands of an evil cannibal after all we've done for him?"

 

"WHY WOULD HE LET SOMEONE STEAL OUR BIKES?" Joe cries hysterically, close to running around in circles like a headless chicken with all his hysteria. 

 

"Uh, Satan was corrupting them!" Rodger hastily explains. Pia begins stroking Joe's head in an attempt to soothe him, but he bats her hand away.

 

"I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!" he squeaks. Suddenly a new wave of revelation washes over him. "What if I get eaten and the last thing I said to her was 'bye'?"

 

"Joe-- Elder Young, please, calm down, it's okay. Andor Wolff isn't going to eat you!" Rodger insists desperately. "Because…because…" he begins, but falls short. Pia registers Rodger's look of desperation and breaks in

 

"Because he only eats girls!"

 

"Oh…he does?" Joe says, finally talking at normal volume again. "Well that's kind of sexist."

 

"Can I still come to the mission house?" Pia asks. 

 

"Yeah, sure, whatever, just for the love of Heavenly Father, don't mention cannibals," Rodger replies, rubbing his temples.

 

"Okay, let's go. I'll come back here tomorrow."

 

"We'll escort you home at 8:30, okay?" Rodger clarifies, out of habit going to get his bike and then remembering he doesn't have one anymore.

 

"Okay! Show me the way!"

 

 

 

"But like, would you marry Katy if she asked?"

 

"Hmm, maybe,"

 

"Who's Katy?" Joe asks, walking into the mission house and overhearing the conversation that Elder Phillips and Elder Butler are having.

 

"Katy Perry, dude," Elder Phillips replies. "Butler says he wouldn't date her, but I bet he would if it meant he could just play video games all day and have a hot wife."

 

"Like I was saying, maybe."

 

"The sanctity of marriage--" Joe begins.

 

"Give it a rest, Elder Young," Rodger says, entering the mission house and pulling off his coat. Joe is visibly surprised by his companion's sudden change in tone. "You two, play nice. We have company."

 

"Pia!" Elder Butler and Elder Phillips cry out, seeing the girl enter. Elder Phillips gets up and embraces her.

 

"Man, haven't seen you in a while!" he says, patting her back. Pia grins widely at him, then gives Butler a friendly hug as well. 

 

"I have not seen you guys since last month!" she exclaims, looking overjoyed. 

 

"Where's Elder Daniels?" Joe asks, seeing the empty spot where their district leader usually sits. 

 

"Who cares? We got Pia!" Elder Phillips replies, ushering Pia to the sofa. "Have a seat!"

 

"Do you know where Elder Goode is?" Pia asks them.

 

"I think he's still out doing missionary work," Elder Butler says. "Him and the other pansies."

 

"Pansies?" Pia objects. "Excuse me?"

 

"Butler…" Elder Phillips growls. "Pia's baptised, remember?"

 

"Oh! Right! Yeah, we're just teasing. Anywho, how have you been?" Elder Butler asks, sitting right next to her.

 

"Lonely," Pia replies. "Nobody but you guys are mormons like me."

 

"Oh…yeah…" Elder Phillips assures falsely, nodding, yet looking rather furtive.

 

"So you guys are mormons again now?" Rodger asks, admittedly slightly passive-agressive. "That's odd, I could have sworn you guys swore off our little religion…"

 

"What?" Pia asks, looking at Phillips and Butler with disbelief. "What is this?"

 

"It was Elder Goode's fault!" Elder Butler blurts, defensively holding his hands up.

 

"What was Elder Goode's fault?" Pia continues, crossing her arms. 

 

"Elder Goode decided that he had enough of mormonism a little after he baptised you, from what I've heard," Rodger explains, pouring himself a glass of water and suppressing a slight smirk of mirth. 

 

"He…he what?" Pia asks, now looking very hurt. Rodger feels kind of bad for making her upset, and adds

 

"Well, he's recently converted back, if that's any consolation."

 

"Oh, oh, well that's good!" Pia says, calming down. Just as she says this, the door opens along with the sound of laughter.

 

"Well that's totally subjective,' Elder Fisher says, walking in first, closely followed by Elder Goode.

 

"Yeah, but it's still hilarious," Elder Goode replies. Elder Daniels and Elder Marshall follow the other two inside, setting their bags down next to the coat rack. Elder Goode takes off his outer layers and makes for the sofa. However, his eyes suddenly lock onto Pia and he freezes. 

 

"Oh, hello, Pia!" Elder Daniels greets her, walking by.

 

"Hello, Elder Daniels!" Pia chirps back. She turns around and notices Elder Goode, a sudden look of joy spreading over her face. "Elder Goode!" she exclaims.

 

"Pia…" he says, looking positively terrified. Rodger is a little confused by his reaction, and speaks up.

 

"Hey, you were asking about Elder Goode, weren't you, Pia?"

 

"I haven't seen you in ages!" she squeals, running up to Elder Goode and hugging him. He stays as straight as a board, still looking shocked. He slowly looks over to Rodger and gives him a questioning look, to which Rodger replies merely with a condescending smirk.

 

 

 

At dinner that night, Elder Marshall cooks a superb potato casserole, made with imported American potatoes to really get a taste of home. Well, that's  what Elder Daniels says about it anyway. Pia sits next to Elder Grant with an empty seat next to her that she specifically saved for Elder Goode, who has announced that he needs to write a letter to his parents and will be late to dinner. 

 

"So, Pia, how's your family?" Elder Daniels asks, spearing a bit of casserole with his fork. 

 

"Oh, they are great, very supportive of me. They still won't convert, though," she replies, pouting. "I wish they would give the church a chance."

 

"Well, we can't win over everybody," Elder Daniels says, laughing slightly and glancing momentarily at Elder Phillips and Elder Butler. 

 

"Imagine if we did, though," Rodger muses. "A world full of mormons, just think of how much happier the world would be."

 

"Heaven would be kinda crowded though, wouldn't it?" Joe adds. 

 

"Nah, I'm sure there would still be plenty of asshole mormons," Elder Butler jests, laughing. "I know some myself."

 

"Yeah, like Corey, am I right?" Elder Phillips adds, nudging his companion. 

 

"Hey, screw you!" comes a muffled voice from Elder Goode and Elder Fisher's room. 

 

"Told you we're in earshot," Elder Fisher puts in.

 

"Elder Goode, would you please stop hiding from us and come and eat dinner? We all know you aren't writing a letter," Elder Daniels calls.

 

"I am, I'm just trying to properly articulate my feelings of homesickness," Elder Goode yells back.

 

"Shut the hell up and sit your ass down here now, wuss!" Elder Butler shouts, picking up a box of cigarettes off the kitchen counter and chucking it at the closed door. 

 

"Those were mine, dude!" Elder Phillips exclaims, shoving Elder Butler hard enough for him to fall off of his seat. Elder Daniels, looking particularly exhausted, rubs his temples and forehead exasperatedly. Elder Marshall serves himself a second helping of casserole, a silent distraction from the evening shenanigans. You've got to respect a guy who can be so relaxed and stoic in the middle of such a drama.

 

"Fine, fine, geez," Elder Goode shouts, opening the door. He stares at Pia, who stares back at him, grinning and flashing her slightly crooked teeth. He gives a slightly nervous smile in reply and tentatively sits down next to her. Elder Marshall quickly gets up and serves him before returning to his own plate and resuming this oddly angry stare directed at his food, as if he's somehow irritated by its presence. Maybe he isn't happy with how it turned out, it beats the heck out of Rodger. 

 

"How come I have not seen you around recently?" Pia asks. "I haven't seen _any_ of you recently."

 

"Oh, well, we've been busy," Elder Goode replies, not looking at her.

 

"You have been the very opposite of busy, Elder Goode," Elder Daniels cuts in, frowning. "The most you've done is been on the receiving end of the wrath of a very angry elder." Rodger finds it rather amusing to have his little breakdown yesterday be described as 'wrath', but he doesn't let it show on his face. He can feel some sort of drama building up and can't be bothered to get involved in it, not after the day he's had. 

 

"Well, we're here now, right?" Elder Goode says, still not looking at anything but his fork. 

 

"Yes, and I am so glad to see you again!" Pia squeals, hugging him once more. Elder Goode half-heartedly returns the hug, patting her on the back. "I've been so bored, not being able to talk about the Book of Mormon with anyone! I've barely seen another mormon since I was baptised!" she adds. Elder Goode pushes her off gently and gives her another nervous smile, turning back to his food. Rodger would probably find this odd and suspicious and immediately start investigating if he wasn't focused on devouring the casserole. Seriously, trekking through meters of snow works up an appetite. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing this chapter because Rodger and Joe are such lowkey nerds it's not even real.


	7. He's Mr Steal-Your-Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elder Goode took Rodger's job, and Rodger acts one-hundred-percent maturely about it.

Rodger wakes up feeling moderately refreshed, stretching and cracking his knuckles. The time is 6:22, according to the clock hanging on the wall. He looks to his right to check on his companion. He isn't there.

 

"Elder Young?" he asks the room. No reply. Rodger's eyes scan the room, seeing nothing but blank walls. He jumps out of bed and goes over to the door to check if Joe went into the kitchen, but a small sound draws his attention back to the beds. "Elder Young? Joe?" he repeats, saying his companion's first name just under a whisper. Rodger slowly approaches the beds again and once again whispers Joe's name. 

 

"Shush," a voice utters from under the bed. Rodger struggles to hold in a laugh.

 

"J-Joe? Elder Young, are you under the bed?" he asks, laughing quietly. 

 

"Yes," the voice replies.

 

"Uh, why?" 

 

"Shhh, he could come in at any minute…"

 

"Oh, not this again."

 

"SHHH!" Joe snaps. Rodger rolls his eyes, kneeling down and peeking underneath the bed.

 

"How the heck did you get under there?" he asks, seeing Joe stuffed between the cold wooden floor and the splintering wooden boards holding the mattresses up. 

 

"Uh, I don't know, actually," Joe replies. They both realise, at this point, the ridiculousness of two grown men talking to each other with one hiding under a bed and the other on all fours, trying to get to eye level with the other. 

 

"Get out of there, Elder Young."

 

"Okay…" Joe replies. Rodger sits up and does his best to get Joe out from under the bed, grabbing his wrists and pulling. Once Joe has been extricated from the small gap between the floor and the beds, Rodger tosses a comb over to him.

 

"You'll probably want to brush the dust out of your hair, it looks like you've aged ten years since you were under there," Rodger advises, gesturing to Joe's straw-coloured (and now very dusty) bird nest on his head. Rodger grabs his comb and begins carefully fixing his own hair, tidying it up a little before slathering his fingers in hair gel and styling it in the way he always does. "Now, what exactly spooked you so much?" he asks.

 

"I heard this weird banging on the window, then a growl, and then scratching. It kept repeating in that order for like, five minutes," Joe answers, combing his own hair. He doesn't use gel like Rodger, saying that he prefers keeping it simple. 

 

"Gee, that does sound kind of scary. Can't believe I slept through all of it! How come you were up at midnight, though?" 

 

"Couldn't sleep."

 

"That sucks. Oh well, I'm sure it was just a bear or something."

 

"I don't know, it was really spooky."

 

"Bears are spooky."

 

"Bears are _scary_ , not spooky."

 

"The difference?"

 

"Spooky is something out of a halloween store, scary is that black and white movie Donny made me watch when I was fourteen."

 

"Is that the one with the skeleton mom?" Rodger asks, carefully inspecting his work in the mirror.

 

"Don't remind me," Joe says, shivering. They both get dressed, ties and tags carefully straightened, and stride out into the living room at precisely 6:30, as they should. Elder Daniels and Elder Marshall are eating their cereal at the kitchen table as usual, contentedly in silence. 

 

"Hi there, Elder Grant, Elder Young," Elder Daniels greets them, chipper as always.

 

"How'd you sleep?" Rodger asks him, heading for the newly stocked cereal cupboard. 

 

"Very well, thank you, I'm sure you two did too."

 

"I did, not so sure about Elder Young, though," Rodger replies, frowning at the words on the cereal box saying 'Honeynut cheerios'. "You guys got anything blander than this?"

 

"We like to live on the edge," Elder Daniels jokes. "What happened to Elder Young?"

 

"He got spooked and hid under the beds, seemingly the whole night," Rodger replies, digging right into the back of the cupboard to get the raisin bran. 

 

"Gee, I'm so sorry, Elder Grant. Maybe it was a little over the top to hide under the beds, but I swear that I heard those weird noises," Joe says, sitting down on the kitchen table with a bowl of cheerios. 

 

"No hard feelings, buddy," Rodger assures him, patting Joe on the back as he walks by. "Did you translate today's passage into Norwegian yet?"

 

"Oh, you two aren't doing workshop today," Elder Daniels cuts in, looking up from his bowl.

 

"Wait, what?"

 

"Elder Goode and Elder Fisher have already left to proselytise this morning. You two are free until lunch."

 

"WHAT?" Rodger exclaims, staring at Elder Daniels, who looks a little concerned at Rodger's horrified expression.

 

"Woohoo!" Joe replies concisely, popping a spoonful of cheerios into his mouth. 

 

"Why is Elder Goode being entrusted with this most important task? He was chugging beer just last morning!" Rodger once again exclaims, wild-eyed.

 

"He insisted. Besides, it's about time he started making himself useful. Also, he told me that a lot of the crowd from yesterday were very interested thanks to him," Elder Daniels explains, an edge of meaning in his last words, as if he's trying to imply that Rodger's work has been shoddy. The nerve of it.

 

"But…but Elder Young and I were meant to cover the whole week!" Rodger continues.

 

"Well, now you get a break!" says Elder Daniels, smiling forcefully at him. Rodger can feel the urge to start mussing up his hair as a sudden wave of anxiety washes over him, but doesn't dare touch his generously gelled locks. 

 

"No, Elder Daniels, you don't understand. Elder Goode doesn't--"

 

"I'm sure he'll do a great job!" Joe interjects, shooting Rodger a similar glare to yesterday. 

 

"He told them false stories, he made stuff up!" Rodger continues. "He's not fit to go out there alone and teach them his skewed perception of the word of Christ!"

 

"What are you talking about, Elder Grant?" Elder Daniels asks, looking as exasperated as he did the previous night.

 

"He made up a stupid story about Joseph Smith meeting a cannibal, for Pete's sake!" Rodger elaborates. Elder Daniels chuckles, shaking his head.

 

"I'm sure the line between the fabricated and the documented was clear," he replies, looking back down at his book.

 

"Yeah, Elder Grant, I'm sure he'll be fine. He did get one person into the church before, right?" Joe adds, treacherously taking Elder Daniels' side. Rodger is highly tempted to reply with something along the lines of "if you two adore Elder Goode so much, why don't you just marry him?" or such a line with more creative ideas for what they can do, but he decides that this is a bit childish.

 

"Ack, whatever," he says instead, quickly thinking that maybe the other line would have been better. He simply continues eating his raisin bran as resentfully as one can eat cereal in such a manner while Joe and Elder Daniels talk about bikes.

 

A few hours and several games of scrabble later, Elder Phillips and Elder Butler suddenly burst through the door a while after having left to go shopping.

 

"Show me what you bought, elders," Elder Daniels instructs them, still sitting at the kitchen table. 

 

"We just bought groceries," Elder Phillips says, giving an innocent smile. Elder Daniels clearly isn't swayed by this. 

 

"Elders…"

 

"Come on, Daniels, do you really think we would get anything harmful?" asks Elder Phillips, pouting.

 

"Yes."

 

"He's clean, I promise," interjects Elder Butler, patting his friend on the shoulder. 

 

"Last warning, give me the bag now, please," Elder Daniels commands, making a beckoning gesture with his hand. 

 

"But--"

 

"Bag."

 

"Daniels--"

 

" _Elder_ Daniels. BAG. NOW."

 

"Hey, hey, chill, man," Elder Phillips says, waving his hands up and down quickly to accentuate his request and handing the angrily glaring elder in front of him the bag, and Elder Daniels opens it immediately and peers inside. Rodger, who has halted the (admittedly very dull) game of scrabble to witness this scene, can tell just by young man's face that the contents is anything but innocent.

 

"What is it?" he asks, smiling slightly. He can't deny that it's rather entertaining, watching the dynamic duo that is Elder Phillips and Elder Butler getting scolded by Elder Daniels. After Elder Goode converted back to mormonism, Elder Daniels has made an effort to prevent any more tempting 'sin starters' (as he calls them) to come into the house, so as to deter Elder Goode from returning to his (though very tame) rebellious ways. 

 

"It's…um…" Elder Daniels begins, falling short and just staring at the contents with a mix of shock, befuddlement and slight disgust. 

 

"We just wanted to indulge in some Norwegian literature, dearest District Leader. That's what you like to be called, right?" says Elder Phillips, still keeping with the faux-innocent smile.

 

"What is it?" asks Rodger again, getting up and walking over to see for himself. He looks into the bag as well and immediately recoils. 

 

"What the…" he manages to utter, leaning over again and taking another look. "I thought these were just a myth…"

 

"Um, so…can we keep 'em?" Elder Phillips asks hopefully. At the sound of a 'thump!' and inaudible muttering, Elder Butler must have seen the pointlessness of that question as the answer is most certainly 'No'. 

 

"Hey, can I see?" Joe asks, getting up.

 

"NO!" say Elder Daniels and Rodger in unison, looking up at Joe and vigorously shaking their heads.

 

"Oh, um, okay," Joe says, looking a little annoyed to be left out. Rodger looks back down at the contents of the bag, his eyes wide. 

 

"What…what do we do with them?" he asks.

 

"G-get rid of them, of course," replies Elder Daniels, still staring at the contents."You know, we could recycle them or…"

 

"Aw, aw, come on!" groans Elder Butler, crossing his arms. "We spent a bundle on these."

 

"Well, that's your fault, isn't it?" says Elder Daniels, looking up at them. 

 

"But…but we can share!" Elder Phillips suggests, giving him a pleading look.

 

"Definitely not!" Elder Daniels snaps, clearly horrified. "These are being recycled this instant, right, Elder Grant?"

 

"Yeah..." Rodger replies, not looking away from the inside of the bag. 

 

"Right this instant," Elder Daniels reiterates, at first giving the other two elders a look of determination and then letting his eyes wonder back down the the bag. "This…second…"

 

"We won't judge you if you wanna take one," Elder Phillips whispers. 

 

"No! No, we're getting rid of these now, come on, Elder Marshall," Elder Daniels insists, grabbing the bag and standing up to go and get his coat. Elder Marshall gives a very exasperated look and throws down his scrabble pieces dramatically, following his companion over to the coat rack.

 

"Hey, you knocked some of the pieces off!" Joe calls after him, shrugging and fixing it himself when Elder Marshall doesn't answer. 

 

"W-wait!" Rodger calls, running after them and getting his own coat.

 

After the incident with the so-called groceries, Rodger reluctantly returns to the mission cabin, hanging his yellow parka up. 

 

"Given up on Scrabble?" he asks, seeing Joe cleaning the set up.

 

"Elder Marshall messed it up. Besides, we've played plenty of games," Joe explains, tidying up the scattered pieces.

 

"Sorry," says Elder Marshall, hanging his own coat up. Rodger and Joe look up at him, beyond surprised. Elder Marshall simply raises his eyebrows at them and quietly makes his way over to the kitchen again. 

 

"What's wrong?" asks Elder Daniels' upon seeing the two utterly shocked elders. Comprehension dawns on him and he laughs, explaining. "Oh, yes, well, contrary to popular belief, Elder Marshall _can_ speak. He just has this personal rule of not saying anything unnecessary, so he rarely speaks out of turn."

 

"Pretentious little S.O.B," mutters Elder Phillips, turning the TV on and taking out a cigarette from his box. 

 

"Well, since you guys didn't _actually_ get groceries, lunch is whatever we can cook up from yesterday's haul. Elder Marshall, what do we have?" Elder Daniels asks, turning around and facing the other elder. Elder Marshall opens the refrigerator and makes a similar gesture to the one he made when Rodger asked if they had any ham yesterday, a sort of sweeping movement that says 'see for yourself'. All the ham was consumed yesterday by the greedier elders (a category that Rodger whole-heartedly insists that he is not a part of) and there is now only leftover potato casserole and some vegetables, along with butter, milk and eggs. "Potato Casserole: Round 2 it is," Elder Daniels sighs, pulling out the dish. At this moment, Elder Goode and Elder Fisher finally return, strolling inside, closing the door behind them before it lets in a gust of wind.

  
"Hey, guys, how come there are porn magazines in the trash can?"

 

 


	8. Elder Daniels is a Colossal Prick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Elder Phillips is so very close to reuniting with his brand new iPhone but is mercilessly smart-phone-blocked by an overbearing Elder Daniels. Meanwhile, Pia makes another visit to the mission house.

"So, naturally, we rushed outside and threw it away," says Elder Daniels, taking a sip of water as a tiny flourish to indicate that his story is over.

 

"Seeing porn and immediately rushing to get rid of it…seems about right for you guys," Elder Goode replies, reaching for the coffee machine but quickly recoiling as he seems to remind himself he can't have coffee anymore, then taking a seat.

 

"…Well what's that supposed to mean?" Rodger asks, furrowing his brow as he opens the microwave and pulls the casserole out. 

 

"Don't forget, you're a mormon again now, Elder Goode," Elder Daniels intones, tilting his head at Elder Goode in the way grandparents do, looking over the rims of non-existent glasses. "Speaking of which, how was the workshop?"

 

"Oh, it was great!" says Elder Fisher, sitting down opposite to Elder Daniels. "We already have three eager Norwegians who want private sessions!"

 

"Oh my gosh, seriously?" Elder Daniels asks incredulously, staring at Elder Fisher in awe. "No way!"

 

"Yeah way," Elder Goode puts in, sitting down next to Fisher. "Two guys and an elderly woman."

 

"That's amazing! Oh, I knew we could count on you!" Elder Daniels almost squeals, looking positively overjoyed. "Oh, thank goodness. I've been petrified of the Mission President possibly making a surprise visit, but maybe we can get some baptisms in before that happens!"

 

"Maybe," Elder Goode replies, shrugging. Rodger, who has just been quietly serving the elders their casserole (while Elder Marshall looks a bit lost with his only job taken), feels tempted to try and call Elder Goode out on his reckless fabrication of the truth that he has undoubtedly been using to sway these oh-so-manipulable Norwegians, but decides against it ultimately and resorts to just passive-aggressively putting down the plates. 

 

"Ooh, did you see Pia?" Joe asks, sitting down opposite to Elder Goode. Suddenly Elder Goode looks incredibly uncomfortable and begins shifting around in his seat awkwardly, clearing his throat.

 

"Ahem, no," he replies tersely, quickly excusing himself from speaking by shoving a forkful of casserole in his mouth (which is a mistake as it is still quite hot from the microwave and he begins trying to discreetly spit it out, much to Rodger's amusement). 

 

"We were wondering if we could invite her over more often. We really do need to make more of an effort to talk to her. She is a member of he church, after all. It could be refreshing for us."

 

"Hey, Stewie?" Elder Goode calls, changing the subject quickly and turning to direct his speech to Elder Phillips, who hasn't come to the table and is lounging on the sofa. "Guess what I and Elder Fisher found." Elder Goode then gets up, wiping his mouth with a napkin, and goes over to his coat, which is hung up just by the door. He reaches into the inside breast pocket and produces a silver rectangle that Rodger doesn't recognise at first. 

 

"No…freaking…way…" Elder Phillips says, staring at the other elder. "Dude…is that...?"

 

"You found his iPhone?" Elder Fisher asks, clearly happy to be off the hook. Elder Goode gives an assuring smile.

 

"Eeyup, found it on the side of the road," he says, about to hand the phone to Elder Phillips when Elder Daniels suddenly cuts in.

 

"I'll be taking that," he authoritatively snaps, grabbing the phone out of Elder Goode's hand and briskly walking back to the table, shoving the phone in his pocket.

 

"Dude, what the hell?" Elder Phillips exclaims, throwing his hands out in a dramatic gesture.

 

"Just like with the magazines, we're ridding ourselves of any sin starters. We're returning this to the store."

 

"But…but…" Elder Phillips begins, looking almost offended.

 

"Come on, Daniels-- ELDER Daniels, sorry, Elder Phillips isn't a missionary anymore. Can't he have his…um, 'sin starters'?" Elder Goode asks, the answer rather obvious.

 

"No, I'm not letting either of these two bring you and Elder Fisher back to the dark side. That means no more iPhone, sorry," replies Elder Daniels, his voice having shifted to brisk and authoritative from soft and polite in a millisecond. 

 

"You are a colossal prick, you know that, Daniels?" Elder Phillips states, giving Elder Daniels a very disdainful look. 

 

"That's Elder Daniels," he replies, adjusting his tie, which had gone slightly askew. "And…um…"

 

"Surely you have more creative insults than that, Elder," Rodger cuts in, addressing the comment that Elder Phillips made. Rodger doesn't have anything against Elder Daniels, nor does he wish for him to be berated with colourful insults, he just dislikes it when people feel the need to insult somebody and don't even come up with something good. 

 

"Sure I do, how about--"

 

"NO." interjects Elder Daniels, giving Elder Phillips a very stern look. "Come and eat with the rest of us, Elder."

 

"Not hungry," Elder Phillips says, walking off to sulk in his room. Elder Daniels sighs, closing his eyes for a moment to calm himself down. Once his eyes are open again, he takes on his softer tone and sits back down. 

 

"Right, I think this needs salt, do you guys think it needs salt? I'm gonna put salt on mine." 

 

"I think it would be nice to see Pia again," Rodger says, reverting back to the conversation that Elder Goode had tried to evade. "She was super nice last night."

 

"I'm sure that she's very busy, we probably won't be able to get a hold of her," replies Elder Goode dismissively, picking up some casserole on his fork and blowing on it. 

 

"On the contrary, she says that the days are very slow, since you guys never hang out with her and nobody else in the village is interested in mormon stories," Rodger says, idly stabbing a piece of potato on his plate with his knife. 

 

"Well, I--" Elder Goode begins, immediately cut off by Joe, who interjects

 

"We should invite her to one of the workshops!"

 

"Yeah!" Rodger agrees. "I'm sure she would _love_ Elder Goode's stories…"

 

"You should definitely do that," puts in Elder Daniels. "She'd have a blast."

 

"Well then it's settled," Rodger says, smiling around at the others.

 

"No, wait, I--"

 

"We'll invite Pia to the workshop tomorrow."

 

"Um, actually--"

 

"What's wrong, Elder Goode?" Rodger asks, cocking his head at the other elder, giving a faux-concerned look. 

 

"I…yeah, that…that sounds great," Elder Goode finally replies, sighing.

 

"Brilliant," Elder Daniels says, grinning. "I'm sure Pia will be thrilled."

 

"I'm sure she will," Rodger agrees, looking over to Elder Goode. "You two will have plenty of time to talk." He doesn't mean to take such joy in taunting the other elder, but he can't deny he does find it stress-relieving.

 

"Can't wait," Elder Goode replies through gritted teeth, smiling sarcastically at him. Rodger returns the condescending smile before looking down at his food and assessing the mess on his plate. Refrigerated and microwaved casserole isn't nearly as good as casserole right out of the oven. It's lukewarm and slimy, like a tub of silly putty. It rather resembles the colour of ear wax. Not pleasant. 

 

"Ahem, you know, guys, I'm really full from…" Rodger begins, suddenly realising that nobody in existence has ever gotten full from raisin bran. Even after noticing this, he still persists. "From…last night's dinner…yeah..."

 

"Just say you don't like it," groans Elder Marshall, rolling his eyes.

 

"Oh, Elder Marshall, it's a lovely dish, really. Just…just not the next day. It's not your fault," Elder Daniels assures him, gingerly patting his companion on the back. 

 

"If you want my honest opinion, I--" Elder Goode begins, falling short at the glare he gets from Elder Daniels. 

 

"I and Elder Young could run out and get takeaway or something," Rodger suggests, glancing at Joe to see if he's okay with it, recieving a small nod of agreement from him. 

 

"Thank you, you two," Elder Daniels replies. Elder Marshall stands up and begins cleaning up the table, frowning a little, as Rodger and Joe grab their coats and some money to go out.

 

After a lunch of fish and chips and some moderately funny impressions of British accents (which would seem odd as they are in Norway, but Elder Daniels insists that the delicacy of fish and chips is huge in England), the elders -- bar Phillips and Butler, who instead watch a movie and go jogging respectively -- all go out proselytising, having determined their locations already. Rodger and Joe leave the house with optimism, as they always do. Well, privately, Rodger has begun to expect no positive outcomes for their door-to-door proselytisation, but he is still as adamant as his pet cat was when it tried to target a dog as its prey. He came out here to convert some Norwegians to mormonism, and gosh darn it, that's what he's going to do. 

Despite their (mostly) unwavering optimism, however, they aren't very lucky.

 

"Denne historien er i ferd med å bli veldig dramatisk og alvorlig, og jeg er ikke klar i det hele tatt," is one of the responses, and translated to English, it roughly means 'You are a bunch of goats, you mormons. Go to hell and stay where you belong'. Yikes. The most notable one, however, has got to be

 

"Er det noen som bortsett fra min venn lese denn boken? Jeg tror ikke det. Hvis du er noen bortsett fra min venn, bra for deg. Du holder å lese nå, søt sommer barn." This, from what Rodger can tell, is 'Do you honestly think I am convinced by what you tell me? I am not. Kindly go and get…' (Rodger isn't sure what this part means, but it sounded very aggressive) '…and leave my family alone'. Rodger acknowledges that this isn't the best response if he wants to get people baptised into the church, however Joe manages to keep him hoping for the best. On their way back to the mission house after their unsuccessful door-to-dooring, they happen to bump into Pia, who is taking a leisurely stroll through the village.

 

"Oh, the other missionaries!" she exclaims, grinning. Being referred to as 'the _other_ missionaries' instead of by their names would be offensive to some, but Rodger can forgive her. That smile makes it impossible not to.

 

"Hey, Pia!" Joe chirps, grinning right back at her.

 

"Hey," Rodger adds.

 

"Can I come over again?" asks Pia, looking pleading. "My mother is giving me…uh…what is the saying?"

 

"Heck?"

 

"Yes, she is giving me heck about things."

 

"Well, I'm sure the others wouldn't mind," Rodger says, looking over to Joe. "What do you say?"

 

"Well, gee, I don't know…" Joe replies, much to Rodger's surprise. 

 

"Huh? I thought you were all for it?"

 

"Elder Goode looked a little uncomfortable whenever we mentioned Pia, it wouldn't be nice to cause him to feel discomfort," Joe says, frowning.

 

"Oh, he's just being silly, once Pia comes around, it'll be all good. Come along with us, Pia," Rodger says, smiling widely at her. 

 

"Oh, okay, if you say so," Joe concedes, shrugging. Pia beams at them and loops her arm around Rodger's (a gesture he is very much on board with), walking alongside them back to the mission house. Even when they enter the house, Rodger doesn't make an effort to unlock their arms until she sits down at the kitchen table and starts talking animatedly to Elder Butler, who's admittedly a little surprised to see her back again but nonetheless is happy to be able to catch up with her some more. When Elder Goode comes home, he tries to slip into his room unnoticed but Elder Phillips (seemingly on purpose) makes a huge scene of welcoming him back and loudly announcing that Pia 'is so eager to talk to you!'. When Elder Daniels comes back (after confiscating several bottles of beer from Elder Butler and greeting Pia), he sits down and talks to her as they both have a cup of hot cocoa, chatting about her family and his family and generally things that bore Rodger to death, though he doesn't show it. They invite her to the workshop the following day as planned and she immediately squeals a 'Yes!'. The rest of the evening is generally a big mix of talking and planning and hubub. Rodger retires a little earlier after seeing Pia clutching Elder Goode's arm and resting her head on his shoulder. Not out of jealousy or anything, certainly not. He's just…tired. That's all. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter was so short, but I wrote THE WHOLE THING JUST TODAY. Come on, you gotta applaud me for that XD


	9. Interrogating Elder Goode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conversation about ham leads to a depressing realisation and Elder Goode storms off in a dramatic huff -- what a drama queen.

 

The next few weeks in Hasvik are pretty much just an endless loop of the same day; wake up and comfort Joe if he's been scared by a noise again (eventually this occurrence becomes more and more infrequent, and by week 4 there aren't any more early-morning discussions), watch Elder Daniels half-heartedly scold the elders, watch Elder Goode and Elder Fisher leave for workshop, play a board game or something of that sort with Joe (sometimes featuring Elder Marshall), eat lunch, prepare for door-to-door proselytisation, hope that Pia will be waiting for them, and if she isn't, return to the living quarters and just quietly watch more of the Elder Phillips and Butler versus Elder Daniels show.

 

Most people would go crazy with all the monotony, but Rodger has Joe and Pia to keep him sane, and he thinks that he could probably talk to Elder Daniels about stuff if he wanted, but he can't think of a time when this would be necessary since Joe basically has to follow him everywhere (it should be that they follow each other everywhere, but Rodger can't deny that he is definitely in the lead ninety-nine percent of the time) so he'll always have Joe. Always (gosh, two years with the constant company of somebody is NOT going to be fun, he can be sure of that -- even if he and Joe do get along well enough).

 

Pia begins making a routine out of visiting the living quarters, not just in the evening, but at lunch as well, after she comes back from the workshop. She always asks them not to tell her parents, as they don't know that she is sneaking out and walking up there on her own, and the other elders all promise not to tell anybody. Rodger and her spend hours at a time reading stories and discussing them, Joe just in earshot, usually sitting at the kitchen table and talking to Elder Daniels. Sometimes, when they talk, Rodger just lets her gush forever about her love for Mormonism, simply so he can listen to her soft Norwegian accent (purely for educational reasons, of course). During one of these conversations, Rodger and Pia stray a little off-topic.

 

"And now I bid unto all, farewell, I soon go to rest in the paradise of God, until my spirit and body shall again reunite, and I am brought forth triumphant through the air, to meet you before the pleasing bar of the great Jehovah, the Eternal Judge of both quick and dead. Amen."

 

"Amen," Pia replies, smiling softly. "It's so beautiful."

 

"Isn't it?" Rodger says, looking down at the words. "I just wish everybody could see it like we do."

 

"I don't understand people who are able to read The Book of Mormon without tearing up at least once," she agrees. "It's preposterous."

 

"Did you seriously just say 'perposterous'?" asks Rodger, laughing slightly. "I know you've improved your English, you don't need to show off."

 

"It's fun," Pia replies simply. "I just wish I could have a dictionary so I could learn new words every day."

 

"Well, we have English to Norwegian dictionaries, so you could use one of those. Here, you can borrow mine," Rodger offers, producing said dictionary from his right pocket. 

 

"Aw, that is so sweet!" Pia coos, just as Rodger hands her the small red book. "Can I study some with you, just so you can explain them to me?"

 

"Oh, yeah, sure!" Rodger replies, discreetly scooting nearer to her on the sofa (just to read the dictionary over her shoulder, obviously). 

 

"Okay, I'll open it at a random page and point to a word, then we'll work on that," Pia says, to which Rodger responds with a nod. She does this and opens the page to 'I', landing on 'ibidem'.

 

"Ibidem? Geez, even _I've_ never heard of this word," Rodger says, reading the page. "Apparently, the official definition is 'In the same book, chapter, page, etc'. Huh, never knew that."

 

"So…what does it mean?" Pia asks, clearly rather confused.

 

"Um, I think it means like, in the same place as mentioned before? I think it's Latin," Rodger explains, reading the definition again. "You probably won't ever use it in real life, so don't worry about it. Okay, next word."

 

This continues for a while, Pia and Rodger looking up words and explaining them. They end up getting 'fornication', 'decamp', 'enthralled' and 'transgress'.

 

"Elder Grant, once you're done teaching Pia the word for things she's probably never going to have to talk about, it's your turn to get the groceries," Elder Daniels interjects halfway through their conversation.

 

"Oh, sorry, I'll go do that now. See you later, Pia," Rodger says, getting up quickly and grabbing some money from the table and jumping into his coat. Now he needs two scarves and a pair of extra thick gloves that he picked up at the camping store last week, since the winds have only gotten harsher and the temperature lower. Joe does the same, following him out of the door.

As soon as he steps outside, he feels his face quickly begin to numb and regrets not having a balaclava to cover up even more. However, Rodger is very grateful that he didn't have to come here from Utah at this point in time, in early December. If that had been the case, the drastic drop in body temperature would probably kill him. No, instead, he was eased into this baltic weather, like when you torture yourself in cold swimming pools by slowly inching deeper and deeper into the water.

Okay, not the best analogy. Gosh, why can Rodger never think of good analogies these days? It must be the cold getting to his brain. Literal brain freeze.

 

"Elder Grant?" Joe asks, waving a hand over Rodger's face.

 

"Huh? What? Oh, sorry, my mind was elsewhere. What did you say?" Rodger jerks back into reality, looking over to Joe.

 

"I said that we should probably think about what we need."

 

"Oh, like, for groceries?"

 

"Just generally, like we could go to the hardware store and get some tools to fix that leak in the ceiling, or we could get some cigarettes," Joe elaborates, counting the items by tapping a finger with each thing he lists. Rodger thinks about this, confused as to why Joe would want to buy cigarettes, then remembering that Elder Phillips had been complaining about loosing his cigarettes that morning.

 

"Yeah, good point, we should make a list. You got paper?"

 

"Nope. I got a pen, though."

 

"Right…well, we'll just have to make mental notes. Let's see, we'll need potatoes, carrots, green beans-- Ooh! Do you think they'll still have the water-thin ham like last week?"

 

"Oh, I LOVE that stuff! You know, I was skeptical at first, but then I tried it and I thought 'Hey, this stuff is pretty neat!'" Joe remarks.

 

"Yeah, that stuff's AMAZING, I seriously think I'm addicted to it now," Rodger replies, laughing along with Joe. The chuckling quickly dies down as their smiles become frowns. "Wow…" Rodger mumbles, his eyes widening and his expression that of mild contempt for himself. Joe seems to take on the same look, maybe a little more disappointment on his face.

 

"I can't believe we got excited over…ham," he says, staring out at the path ahead, seemingly thinking the same as Rodger; they have hit rock bottom if the highlight of their day is a grocery item.

 

"L-let's just…go…" Rodger says, his voice catching slightly from the shock of this revelation. As they begin walking again, Rodger thinks about what just happened. He and Joe have become their parents, squealing over ham and, he shudders to imagine, probably architectural design give or take a few months. Not that either of them used to be particularly rebellious or daring (well, Rodger had a bit of a phase in high school, but he'd rather not think about that), but at least they used to get excited over cool things like helping the poor and hopeless or watching clips of Britain's Got Talent over at Bobby's house or…well, anything but HAM. If they aren't going to be the super efficient mormons, and they aren't the oldest there, and they are DEFINITELY NOT becoming anti-mormons (Rodger and Joe's nickname for Phillips' and Butler's kind now), they have nothing that makes them special. They're just the two guys who like ham. Oh, Good Grief.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

The two missionaries return to the living quarters with a week's worth of groceries, spanning four bags, in their hands (they quickly brushed off the ham incident and now they have regained their happy demeanours), only to see Elder Goode hanging around outside.

 

"Elder Goode?" Rodger asks, frowning. "What are you doing here?"

 

"What? Huh?" Elder Goode jumps at the sound of a voice, and still looks a little bit fazed when he turns around. 'Oh, Elder Grant, Elder Young, it's just you,"

 

"Why are you out here?" Joe asks, frowning as well.

 

"Oh, uh, I lost my keys," Elder Goode says, nodding fiercely at them. Rodger remembers back in junior high, whenever one of the kids at his school would lie about something to the principal, he would say 'I smell bull'. Rodger feels like this would be an appropriate time to repeat the phrase, but quickly decides to rise above it. For now.

 

"We don't use keys, the door doesn't have a lock," Rodger retorts, raising an eyebrow. This was the wrong choice of words, because Joe suddenly begins freaking out.

 

"What do you mean we don't use keys? WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE DON'T HAVE LOCKS?" he barks, suddenly wide-eyed. "RODGER, YOU TOLD ME WE HAVE LOCKS."

 

"Oh, geez, not this. Elder Young, it's alright, we're not gonna be--"

 

"WE COULD BE INFILTRATED AT ANY TIME! WHAT IF WE'VE ALREADY BEEN ROBBED BUT LIKE, THEY STOLE SOMETHING SMALL AND WE DIDN'T EVEN REALISE? THEY'LL KNOW WE HAVE GOOD STUFF AND THEY'LL PROBABLY COME BACK TO STEAL MORE!" Joe shouts, grabbing his head in panic and dropping the groceries. Rodger winces at the sound of cracking glass and the sight of soy sauce seeping out onto the snow.

 

"Elder Young, we are not going to be…'infiltrated'. We are perfectly safe here," Rodger replies, trying to keep as calm as possible.

 

"Wait, so all those times it looked like you were unlocking the door, you were just…faking?" Joe interrogates him, looking hurt. Rodger sighs exasperatedly, having already had to go through similar situations with his companion. It was funny the first couple times, but now it's become a chore.

 

"Listen, we really need to get the groceries inside now before we lose ninety-percent of our seafood meal," he says, gesturing to the bag, which is gradually soaking the area of snow around it with the brown liquid.

 

"Yeah, hey, how about you two go in, and I'll go get some more of…whatever THAT stuff is," Elder Goode interjects, also gesturing to the brown patch on the ground.

 

"Oh, that's fine, Elder Goode," replies Rodger, flashing a (mostly sarcastic) smile. "We'll be just fine. In fact, why don't you lead us in -- redheads first."

 

"Ha ha ha ha," Elder Goode sarcastically fake-laughs, giving them both an immensely disdainful look to which Rodger replies with an innocent smile. Being a second-rate missionary in the eyes of the Norwegians may be pretty lame, but without anybody looking up to him, he can be as cocky and sardonic as pre-conversion Elder Goode was. He knows that it's justified, of course, because he doesn't lie through his teeth to poor naive Norwegians. Elder Goode reluctantly opens the door and walks in, followed closely by Rodger and Joe.

 

"Elder Goode!" Pia squeals, jumping up and running over to the red tied elder, embracing him as she always does when he arrives. Rodger isn't jealous. He just doesn't like looking at people hugging. It makes him uncomfortable. Not in a jealous way, of course.

 

"Hey, Pia…" Elder Goode greets her, patting her lightly on the back. "How're you doing?"

 

"Amazing! Come have lunch with us, we were just waiting for Elder Grant and Elder Young to get back," Pia chirps, grinning.

 

"Here we are!" Rodger announces in reply to this, entering the house slightly more dramatically than he usually would.

 

"Oh, hello, Elder Grant," Pia greets him, all the same sweetness in her voice with just a little less enthusiasm. Joe doesn't really seem to mind not being mentioned, he merely walks inside and sets the bags down on the kitchen table. Elder Daniels, who is still on his permanent perch that is the seat that he always sits on at the kitchen table, looks a little surprised at the large brown patch on one of the bags, but doesn't question as to what it is. Pia pulls Elder Goode over to the sofa and sits him down next to her, booting Elder Phillips off.

 

"So, how was your morning?" she asks, placing a hand on Elder Goode's upper arm, rubbing it slightly. He gives her a very pained smile, replying

 

"Oh, yeah, it was great. Right, Fisher?"

 

"Why did you stand around outside for like half an hour?" Elder Fisher asks, frowning at his companion.

 

"Oh, um, er," Elder Goode begins, a little caught off guard.

 

"Yeah, Elder Goode, how come?" Elder Phillips asks.

 

"I am genuinely interested, shoot," Elder Butler adds, looking at Elder Goode with an exaggerated look of intrigue. Rodger doesn't even need to make his own snide remark, since everybody else in the mission house is already making each and every one.

 

"Go on, Elder Goode," Elder Daniels encourages him. Elder Marshall even goes over to the sofa, rests his elbow on the back of the sofa next to Elder Goode's head, leans his head on his hand and commands

 

"Speak."

 

"Oh my gosh, I was just…thinking…about…things…yeah," Elder Goode finally replies. It seems that even he knows how awfully that lie was executed. "Fine, um, I was smoking."

 

"No you weren't," Elder Butler says, frowning at him. "You don't smell like a piece of dog shit in my grandma's house."

 

"Are you talking about me, Butler?" Elder Phillips asks him aggressively, doing that odd thing that he often does where he flings his arms open defensively, the very opposite of what most people do when they're being defensive.

 

"Elder Goode is too good to smoke, right?" Pia says, smiling up at him. Elder Goode sighs, shrugging and nodding at her. Her hand slowly slips around his waist and she sidles up closer to him. "Elder Goode is so kind and far too gentle. When he baptised me--"

 

"I really need to go," Elder Goode cuts in, standing up and hurrying out the front door, forsaking his coat on the couch.

 

"He's going to freeze out there," Rodger remarks. He doesn't follow it up with anything, he just stands there and smiles around at everybody. Pia looks concerned, getting up as well and rushing out after him, having the common sense to grab her jacket on the way out.

 

"Somebody should probably go out after them," Joe says, also simply standing there without a followup. Nobody says anything to this, but they all give a sort of 'mmhmm' sound of agreement. That is, until Elder Daniels gives an exasperated sigh and follows the two redheads out of the door, putting on a jacket as well.

 

"Well, at least one of us is actually morally sound," Elder Phillips remarks, taking back his seat on the sofa and lighting a cigarette.

 


	10. Corey B. Goode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hasvik gang learn something new about their good friend, Elder Goode...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: I don't want to say the specific ones for fear of giving away the plot twist, so just don't read this if you have any serious trigger words.

Rodger and Joe leave for door-to-door proselytisation at around 1:30, shortly after finishing the rather dry seafood that Elder Marshall prepared for lunch (Elder Marshall is a great cook, nobody denies that, but Rodger thinks that maybe he should stick to dishes a bit closer to home). You can probably make an educated guess as to their successfulness today.

 

"I'm sure they'll change their minds soon enough," Joe says, just after being rudely sent off by yet another annoyed Norwegian.

 

"Yeah, sure they will, Elder Young," he drawls sarcastically, rolling his eyes and scoffing. Joe looks only slightly unsettled by this, but easily brushes it off as just another case of post-failure stress. 

 

"Come on, buddy, this is no time for negativity," he replies. It has begun to snow again for the second time this week, and now they both look like they have terrible dandruff. Joe reaches a hand up and brushes the small white flakes off periodically, every time he feels the snow is piling up a bit too much. Rodger, on the other hand, now seems to have the set of Narnia on his head. 

 

"I'm not being negative, I'm being realistic. You can't possibly say you believe we're going to convert anybody, can you?" he asks his companion.

 

"Well, it's only been a few weeks. It took Elder Goode around a month to get his first baptism, why not us?"

 

"Because we like to play by the rules, Elder Young. We don't cheat. I know everybody always tells you that cheaters never prosper, but, honestly, that's a bunch of pisspreik," Rodger rants, rolling his eyes again as his companion gasps.

 

"Elder Grant!" Joe snaps, furrowing his brow.

 

"Oh, grow up," Rodger barks, scowling. Joe, in normal circumstances, would feel offended and just not say anything, giving an indignant frown. However, these are not normal circumstances. 

 

"I think you're the one who needs to grow up, Elder Grant," Joe retorts. "Why are you so grumpy and pessimistic all of a sudden? You were plenty excited back when we first came here."

 

"Yeah, well, that was back when I thought all this crap matters, when it doesn't. At all. It's just to give us something to do for two years to stop us becoming the wild, radical, religious stereotypes that everybody thinks we are anyway," Rodger replies sourly, noticing the mess on his head and promptly shaking off enough snow to make a large snowball. 

 

"How come you're being like this? Of course it matters. These are the two most important years of our lives!" Joe says, raising his hands up to the heavens. "Heavenly Father has chosen us to come and rejuvenate the missionaries here. Remember the night before we left, you called me up and told me how excited you were? You were babbling all about how much fun it was going to be, and how we were going to convert a bunch of Norwegians."

 

"Yeah, of course I remember that," Rodger mutters, looking away.

 

"Well, then. We may not be the most successful missionaries, but that shouldn't discourage us! So, what do you say then, buddy?" Joe asks his companion, who is failing to conceal a slight smile.

 

"…Okay, I s'pose you're right. I've been a bit distracted lately I guess, but I'll be back on form by tomorrow."

 

"Great! Now, we should probably be getting home, huh? It's getting kinda dark out and…" Joe begins, trailing off at the very thought of what could happen after dark. As winter becomes more and more prominent, the night comes sooner and this does little to calm Joe's fears of what lies behind the hills. 

 

"Yeah, we better get home before Andy Dingo or whatever finds us," Rodger jokes, chuckling at himself and setting off again. Joe sheepishly follows him, checking behind them. It's probably Rodger's own fault that his companion is so paranoid, he thinks. He's never really taken the whole affair seriously, and so often jokes about it. Joe rarely finds humour in his quips, and instead becomes increasingly more afraid of the alleged cannibal. Rodger knows that they're fairly safe, and has, by now, just gotten used to Joe's constant worrying over the matter. He can't blame the guy for being a little scared, the worst threat he's ever faced is the possibility of his beautiful girlfriend dumping him. The lucky bastard.

 

 

 

Rodger and Joe re-enter the district living quarters, Rodger with a considerably more chipper demeanour than when he left. Pia seems to have returned home during the proselytisation, and now Elder Phillips is jadedly channel surfing, draped over the side of the sofa, slightly upside down. 

 

"Oh, hey," he greets them, sitting upright but not looking away from the TV. Elder Butler is sitting at the kitchen table and he silently nods at Rodger and Joe as they come in. Both Butler and Phillips have gotten into habitual drinking and smoking, which means the district living quarters now always smells of tar and alcohol. Ever since Elder Goode took that brave swig of beer weeks ago, they've been trying to top it. However, all their efforts to get marijuana were shut down. The only reason they still have cigarettes and beer is because, as Elder Daniel's puts it, 'none of us are in any place to interfere with another's addiction, it is their life choice and I don't wish to be THAT guy'. So, all they have in the way of 'sin-starters' is booze and smokes. The smell of it has become sort of addicting now, actually. 

 

"So how was proselty-thingy?" Elder Butler asks, resting his head against his fist and staring at the TV as well. His hair is very matted and unkempt, he has dark shadows under his eyes, his green tie is nowhere to be seen, and he has the mere suggestion of a beard after presumably days of not shaving. He is really going all-out on the anti-mormon look.

 

"Okay, I guess," Rodger says, hanging up his coat. He immediately goes over to the tap and runs his hands under the hot water. "Ugh, it is so freaking cold out there."

 

"Well, Mr. Mallory, maybe you should get thicker mittens. Or, you know, just not go outside during a blizzard."

 

"And miss being told in Norwegian to get the heck off someone's doorstep a thousand times over? Not a chance!" Rodger replies sarcastically,receiving a gentle nudge and a glare from Joe. "I mean, I kinda have to go out there, whether I like it or not."

 

"Your religion is so shitty," Elder Phillips states, saying 'your religion', as if it has never been his own. "I don't get why you love it so much."

 

"I don't get why you love those little cancer tubes so much, but I don't judge you for it," Rodger retorts, earning a slight chuckle from Phillips at 'cancer tubes'. Suddenly, the door bursts open, and Joe jumps about 2 feet into the air at the sound.

 

"Hello, everybody!" Elder Daniel's trills, grinning wildly as he strides through the door. "Hasn't it been the greatest day?

 

"What's up with you, Daniels, you see a nice rack or something?" Elder Phillips asks, resuming his upside-down channel surfing. Elder Daniels gives him an exasperated 'you-killed-the-moment' look before proceeding.

 

"No, but I have absolutely amazing news!" he continues, regaining his grin. "ELDER GOODE HAS OFFICIALLY CONVINCED SOMEONE TO GET BAPTISED!"

 

"Holy shit!" Elder Phillips splutters, sitting upright once more and staring at Elder Daniels. "Wait, what?"

 

"Another baptism? Oh my gosh, that's amazing!" Joe squeals. Rodger is one-hundred-percent happy with this. He is totally, unwaveringly proud of Elder Goode for what he has done. Even if he is a lying, manipulative, arrogant little--

 

"Which one of us should baptise them? I mean, Elder Goode already got his turn, and we may not get many more," Elder Daniels asks, looking around at Rodger, Joe and Elder Marshall.

 

"Maybe you should!" Joe suggests, gesturing to Elder Daniels. "You're our district leader, after all."

 

"Hmm, I suppose that's true. Oh, I should probably go and practice, seeing as I've never done it before…oh, I can't believe this is happening!"

For the next half an hour, they celebrate by talking excitedly about the days to come, and how this could lead to even more baptisms. Rodger politely says that he's overjoyed that they're making some progress and doesn't say anything after that, and soon after they break out some non-alcoholic schloer light and begin toasting to the great news. At some point, Elder Goode comes home and is met by Elder Daniels grabbing his hand and shaking it.

 

"Oh, uh, hi! Is that shloer?"

 

"I met Mr. Hagebak! He told all about how you agreed to arrange for him to be baptised now that he has learned enough about the church!" Elder Daniels says, still shaking his hand. "I must say, Elder Goode, I am impressed. You've really turned yourself around."

 

"Thanks, I...I guess I have," Elder Goode replies smiling slightly. Rodger scoffs quietly at this and continues to drink from his glass. 

 

"Please, tell us what it's like," Elder Daniels asks, ushering Elder Goode over to the sofa and sitting him down as he pulls his coat off.

 

"What is what like?" he asks in reply. All the others are beginning to crowd around him now, eager to hear his story. Rodger, however, simply swivels around on his seat at the kitchen table to face the sofa.

 

"Baptising somebody!" Elder Daniels elaborates.

 

"Yeah, is it hard?" Joe asks.

 

"You get really wet, right?" asks Elder Phillips.

 

"Does it hurt?" Butler asks. "Y'know, since you're in freezing cold water and everything." Elder Goode begins to look incredibly uncomfortable, shifting around awkwardly on the sofa. Rodger places his half empty glass down on the counter and slowly gets up as the elder continue to bark questions at the now very furtive redhead. He makes his way leisurely to the front of the sofa, standing right in front of the TV and squinting down at Elder Goode, frowning.

 

"Well, what's it like?" he asks cooly. Everyone else is slightly taken aback by Rodger's sudden input, and they all look at Elder Goode, waiting for him to answer. 

 

"I…um…well…"

 

"What's wrong?" Rodger asks, tilting his head and not changing his expression. Elder Goode continues to ramble, stumbling over his own words.

 

"Spit it out, Corey," Elder Phillips demands, lightly whacking his friend's shoulder. 

 

"Come on, Elder Goode," says Elder Daniels. They all start up again, asking him more and more questions. He looks over to Rodger, as if to ask him to quiet them down again, but Rodger simply stares at him blankly, still waiting for a proper answer. The repeated questions seem to get to him, and Rodger can see him panicking at all the interrogation. 

 

"Please! Stop!" he shouts, raising his voice above all theirs. When they still don't stop bombarding him with questions, he finally cracks and shouts "I never baptised her!"

 

They fall silent. 

 

"W-what?" Elder Phillips asks, looking extremely confused. The others furrowed their brows too, and Rodger bears a look of slight intrigue.

 

"Listen, I've done a lot of things I regret and…well…this is one of those things."

 

"You lied about that? Why?" Joe asks. "She seems so into mormonism, why would you not actually baptise her?"

 

"But she says that you baptised her, what did you do if you didn't actually do it?" asks Elder Daniels, also looking rather baffled. 

 

"Yeah, what else did you lie about?" Rodger asks him, emphasising the word 'lie'. Now he's caught between a frown and smirk of spite. Elder Goode balls his hands into fists and clenches his teeth for a moment before finally saying

 

"I…I s--…I slept with her." The words come out one by one, every consonant and vowel clear as day. Despite this, they all take a moment to process the information.

 

"What..?" asks Elder Daniels softly, the word coming out as quiet as a feather and slowly wafting around before it reaches the other's ears. Elder Goode looks down at his lap, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone. 

 

"I…um…well, you know, she hadn't read any other passages besides the ones I translated for her and…I just…"

 

"You son of a bitch!" Elder Phillips hisses, leaping at Elder Goode and throttling him. Elder Butler pulls him away, and at first it seems that he is trying to break the fight up until he pats his companion on the back and begins beating the hell out of Elder Goode as well. Rodger stands stock still, unable to move or reply in any way. Both he and Joe share expressions of total and utter shock. 

Elder Daniels cuts into the fight, pulling Elder Butler and Elder Phillips off of Elder Goode. 

 

"Come on, now that's hardly necessary, is it?" he barks. However, the glare he gives Elder Goode shortly after would suggest otherwise.

 

"It's okay, guys, I'm not like that any more!" Elder Goode insists, rubbing his bruised arm. 

 

"Elder Goode," Elder Daniels begins cooly, giving the redhead a cold glare. "I understand that you may have changed, however, this behaviour is unacceptable for a mormon missionary. I shall be speaking to the mission president about this, and we'll see what he has to say. I recommend you start packing up your bags."

 

"Please, Elder Daniels, I repent it. I regret it with all the power of my mind, it was a dumb mistake," Elder Goode pleads. Elder Daniels simply continues to stare at him in disbelief and disgust. "I've felt so guilty about it, and I thought that if I told you guys you would forgive me."

 

"What you did was as good as rape, you piece of shit," Elder Phillips growls, glaring at him as well. 

 

"You told her that sleeping with you would bring her into the church, she wasn't consenting to casual sex, she was consenting to what she thought was baptism," Elder Daniels says. "You deceived her. You deceived all of us by telling us that you had baptised her."

 

"Get the fuck out, you dirty bastard," Elder Butler puts in, pointing to the door.

 

"Elder Butler, there is no reason to swear," Elder Daniels reprimands him through gritted teeth, still staring at the now cowering young man. Elder Marshall looks pale and is struggling to stand up as he leans against the kitchen table.

 

"Guys…"

 

"Elder Goode, I suggest you go into your room now and leave us to deal with this matter," Elder Daniels instructs him, pointing to his room. Elder Goode looks like he's about to speak, but he closes his mouth, hangs his head and nods before walking off. Everybody is silent again for a few moments, only the sound of heavy breathing from Phillips and Butler after trying to murder Elder Goode to be heard. Finally, Elder Daniels recomposes himself, taking a deep breath.

 

"Right, well, I'll make a call to the mission president, Elder Phillips and Butler, you two can go back to…whatever you do these days, and Elder Grant…" he says, looking over to Rodger, who is still staring at the spot where Elder Goode was sitting, his mouth and eyes wide open. At the mention of his name, he shakes the expression off and looks up. Elder Daniels gives him one glance and nods understandingly. "…Elder Grant and Elder Young…you two just…rest, and me and Elder Marshall will make some dinner."

 

 

 

That night, Rodger is the one lying awake long into the night, eyes wide. 

Once light fills the room, he gets up quietly and begins getting dressed, the activity almost automatic at this point. Trousers, shirt, socks, shoes, hair, stare at the the mirror for a full minute, reassessing life. Well, that last one was a little more recent, but it's become routine all the same. Rodger can't help but feel sick to death of feeling sorry for himself all the time, when things like the main source of his insomnia are clearly much higher a priority. He doesn't want to go back to being a mopey, attention-seeking teenager, he wants to stand up tall like Elder Daniels and try to face the situation head-on, or just be able to carry on with his life and pretend like the only thing worrying him is whether or not their next meal will taste okay like Elder Marshall. He'd even give anything to just be so very far from a mormon that he doesn't need to worry about his duties or responsibilities, and try and aid Elder Phillips and Elder Butler in their attempt to get their hands on illegal substances. 

But he can't. He knows he can't. Rodger simply can't bring himself to leave a religion he holds so dear at the drop of the hat. People like Elder Phillips and Elder Butler simply stop believing in God when something discourages them. Rodger, on the other hand, has a different reaction. He knows that his Heavenly Father is truly there. The proof is currently haunting him every minute of his day. His precious Heavenly Father is right here, and Rodger knows it. The lord that he, along with the rest of his community, praises and worships isn't very happy with Rodger. Maybe it's the way he looks at Pia. Maybe it's the apathetic way in which he's been doing his missionary work. Maybe it's the fact that he couldn't surpass Elder Goode…No. He CAN surpass Elder Goode, he just never tried. Why didn't he ever try? Well, that hardly matters anymore. He's already surpassed Elder Goode simply by being a decent human being where he wasn't. That's all that matters.

Rodger realises that Joe is still asleep, and he takes a moment to decide whether it's worth waking him. Elder Daniels hasn't said anything yet, but Rodger is pretty sure workshop is off today, seeing as nobody planned anything, assuming that Elder Goode would be around to do it. He finally decides that he should, as they are still mormons and, workshop duty or not, they must get up at 6:30 at the latest.

 

"Elder Young?" Rodger whispers, shaking his companion. Joe stirs, looking up groggily.

 

"Oh, sorry, did I oversleep?"

 

"Uh, I don't think so. I suggest you get ready now, though," Rodger says, glancing at the clock hanging on the wall. Joe slowly gets up and begins going through the same routine as Rodger, minus the solemn staring in the mirror. Joe generally doesn't use hair gel, preferring to simply comb his hair into place. Rodger had somehow forgotten to apply his usual handful and so resembles Joe rather closely, both of them being blondes. Come to think of it, they could be mistaken for twins if Joe wasn't so gosh darn tall, that irritating so-and-so. 

 

"Do you still not want to talk about last night?" he asks, still combing his hair.

 

"No, I think I'm probably over the initial shock, it's just…I'm still a little messed up from that. I mean, you don't get that stuff back in Salt Lake. Well, you hear about it but you never get a first-hand story," Rodger replies, sitting at the edge of his bed, tying up his shoelaces. 

 

"I know what you mean. It's alright, buddy. Let's just get on with today's business, huh?" Joe says, adjusting his collar slightly and squinting at himself in the mirror. 

 

"Yeah, yeah. You're right. Again." Rodger sighs, giving his companion a small smile before finishing his right shoelaces and getting up. They both leave their small room and the morning air coming in through the open windows hits them suddenly and powerfully. It's such an inappropriately nice smell. Rodger would feel offended if he didn't kind of like it. He can talk trash about Hasvik's weather all he likes, but he can't deny that the aromas that the city churns out are virtually orgasmic. It's a mix of raw fish (which, anywhere else but here, usually smells awful), fresh snow, warm pastries and whatever else is wafting in from the town and its surroundings. For a moment, Rodger stands there in a sleepy daze before shaking himself out of it. He sees that, no surprise, Elder Daniel's is at the kitchen table in the same spot as always. However, this morning, Elder Phillips sits opposite him, drinking tea and nodding along to whatever Elder Daniels is saying. So that's where the vague scent of peppermint was coming from.

 

"I don't know, it'll probably be rather hard to explain-- Oh, ahem, hello, Elder Grant, Elder Young," Elder Daniels greets them, switching from a low, hushed voice to a rather cheery one very quickly.

 

"Hey," Rodger replies, nodding at them and walking over to the cupboard to get out some raisin bran. 

 

"Me and Elder Phillips were just talking about…well…everything that went on yesterday evening. We were just wondering what to do about Pia," Elder Daniels says. "She technically isn't a member since she was never actually baptised. We'll have to tell her sooner or later or else we won't have any baptisms."

 

"We're probably the only district in the world that's as messed up as we are," Elder Phillips grumbles, taking a swig of tea.

 

"Nonsense, I'm sure there have been, and still are, worse missionaries," Joe consoles him, lightly placing a hand on his shoulder. Elder Phillips shakes it off, still frowning.

 

"Don't be ridiculous. Tom and me are as far from latter-day-saints as it gets. Sure, we aren't as bad as…as HIM, but we're still pretty awful," Elder Phillips retorts. Elder Daniels reaches across the table, placing his own hand on the other's shoulder. 

 

"There there, Elder Phillips. I understand you're upset by the knowledge we've recently acquired about Elder Goode--"

 

"Oh my God, just call him Corey! He isn't a mormon anymore. Neither am I. I haven't been for a good two months. Neither has he, really. He's so full of shit," Elder Phillips snaps, grimacing. Elder Daniels recoils slightly, looking concernedly at him. Strangely enough, Rodger's unavoidable instinct to wince at a swear word or a mention of something any raunchier than a kiss has vanished overnight. It could have something to do with the news that they heard the previous night, but this isn't the first time he's noticed this. It seems he's just been so overexposed to swearing and the like that he has, over time, come to get used to it. Well, good riddance to that.

 

 

 

When they finally work up the nerve to call Pia over, Elder Phillips and Elder Butler have swiftly, well, legged it. They'll come back eventually, Rodger thinks, but not until they can be sure the deed is done and Pia has been enlightened with this newfound piece of information. Everybody agrees that Elder Daniels should be the one to explain, but he, too, manages to quietly escape to the grocery store, leaving a note in his wake and taking Elder Marshall with him. Elder Fisher is busy taking Elder Goode to the airport and seeing him off. Now the only ones left are Rodger and Joe, and hell will freeze over twice before Joe has to explain anything of this nature to Pia. Rodger definitely isn't too happy about his predicament but he acknowledges that there is truly no better way about it than to just be straight with her. Rip the bandaid off quickly, and the pain lasts only seconds. Well, maybe that's not the best analogy.

 

"Hello, Elder Grant, Elder Young!" Pia greets them once she walks through the door. Rodger has already acted this part out several times with Joe, but now that Pia is standing there, grinning at both of them and looking so sweet and innocent like one of those awful girl scouts who do a better job than most missionaries with spreading their product around, he can't find the right words. Rodger has only seen such a deceivingly blissful smile like this one before and that relationship didn't work out too well either. 

 

"Hey, Pia!" Rodger croaks, giving her a pained smile. Joe greets her, wearing a similarly forced grin, before running off into his room and shutting the door so that he can't be reprimanded for being too far away from his companion, but he also has the opportunity to occupy himself whilst the grown ups are talking. 

 

"Where is Elder Young going?" Pia asks, furrowing her brow. "Where is Elder Goode? I could not see him anywhere at workshop."

 

"Pia, could…could you please take a seat on the couch?" Rodger asks politely, gesturing to the sofa. Pia begins to look slightly uneasy, sensing the solemn atmosphere.

 

"O-okay…" she says, sitting down tentatively, almost as though she thinks something is going to pop out of a hiding place and scare her, like some sort of prank. If only.

 

"Um, Elder Young is just…reading scriptures. Um, I need to tell you something. It's, uh, it's about Elder Goode."

 

"What's wrong? Is he hurt? Oh, gosh, is it that cannibal? He got him, didn't he? Oh, no…" Pia is already on the verge of tears. It would probably be pretty sweet to comfort her and stroke her head and all that sappy stuff that Rodger sees in romantic comedies. But Elder Goode isn't dead, unfortu--, ahem. Rodger can't encourage her to think this, to indulge in pity for him. 

 

"No, he isn't dead," Rodger says firmly. He can't help but place just one hand on her right shoulder, just to show her that he isn't some stoic, emotionless robot. "P-Pia, this is rather more serious than that."

 

"Oh, okay. Good," Pia chirps, suddenly grinning again and wiping away her tears. "Okay, what is it?"

 

"Uh…" Rodger begins, not sure how to start. "Well, um…Elder Goode, uh, he says that he baptized you, right?"

 

"Hmm? Ah, yes. He baptized me on September the 26th, it was magical. I think the whole idea of losing your virginity to an elder to get into the church is a little weird, but it was glorious all the same!" Pia replies enthusiastically, grinning at Rodger, who has instantly gone pale. 

 

"I-I uh…um…" Rodger stammers, a little shaken. He takes a deep breath, calming himself down so he can be cool and collected not only when he breaks the news, but when Pia begins breaking down from the knowledge. Pia notices his suddenly paper white complexion and frowns.

 

"Elder Grant, are you okay?" she asks. Rodger practically laughs at this. Is HE okay? The worst thing he's had to deal with is the lack of raisin bran in the cupboard. Pia doesn't know yet, but she's been conned. Conned right out of her own virginity, the most sacred thing a woman of the church can keep. Well, that's what Mrs. Grant says, anyway. 

 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm great. Well, no, no, I'm not great I just…I need to give you some bad news about him," Rodger presses on. Most people in this situation would bite their lip or something to keep themselves from crying but Rodger does not feel like crying. He wishes he did. He instead just feels empty to the point of insanity. Nobody's died, nobody's hurt, at least not for now. He has all the empathy in the world but right now he doesn't need it. Pia looks perfectly fine, she doesn't know a thing. Maybe he just shouldn't tell her. She could be happy. He could lie and tell her that Elder Goode just went away because-- No. No, he won't lie. He will not try to deceive her, he's not stooping to Elder Goode's level. Never. "Pia, I'm aware that Elder Goode may have told you that he baptized you but…but he didn't. What he did was not, is not and never will be baptism. He lied to you, I'm so sorry."

Pia stares at him blankly for a moment, and as Rodger stares into her eyes he can practically read her mind as her pupils contract in shock, the muscles around her eyes pulling back so that both her eyebrows slowly creep upwards. This is when he feels the need to bite his lip. Pia doesn't say anything, she seems to be almost glaring at him, as if it's all his fault. However, her eyebrows begin to lower a little, keeping the look of shock but expressing her evident mix of anger and comprehension. Finding a way to describe her emotions so intrinsically is possibly the most emo thing Rodger has ever done. He should write poems or something. 

 

"I…I do not understand," Pia finally states, shaking her head. Rodger knows that she must understand, she clearly got the message from the way her face is doing some crazy contortionist stunt right now.

 

"Pia, Elder Goode -- he, um...he took advantage of you. Baptism isn't having sex with an Elder. It isn't having sex with anybody. It is very, very different. Elder Goode took advantage of you. I'm so sorry to have to tell you," he finally blurts out, keeping his eyes fixed on hers. He can see, once again through her eyes, what she's thinking. How she must be feeling. Yet he can't seem to feel anything at all except this very inappropriately timed thought of how her eyes would look up close. Well, he knows he should be shedding tears with her, showing her that he feels as awful about it as she does. However, for whatever reason, he doesn't feel as betrayed as she does. He always had a feeling that Elder Goode was sketchy but he was certainly never anticipating this. It came as a shock, yes. And yet…yet he can't seem to think about anything but selfish, irrelevant thoughts of Pia's best features.

 

"Oh…oh…" she whispers, clearly not sure how to react. It's evident that the event of having to be told that you've been taken advantage of in that way usually doesn't happen, as in most cases you know what's happening. 

 

"Pia, I'm so sorry I had to tell you this," he reiterates, finally feeling a little bit of sympathy, now that he's seeing her visibly shaken.

 

"He…he…oh…oh no…no…" she whimpers. Rodger tentatively rubs her shoulder in an act of consolation. She begins shivering as the news begins to hit her deeper and she slowly begins to curl up into a ball, leaning against his shoulder. "I didn't…I couldn't…I…I…he took it. He STOLE it. Oh, gosh."

 

"Hey, hey, it's okay. This isn't your fault, I'm sure Heavenly Father will find a way to give it back to you. Uh, in fact, yeah! He can definitely give you your virginity back!" Rodger tells her, allowing himself to very lightly stroke her head. He can feel a pang in his chest again, though it's rather tame considering what he's just said to her.

 

"R-really?" Pia whispers, looking up at him. Her eyes are red and puffy but suddenly full of new hope, like a child who has just been told they can't go to Disney World but they may get to go to Disneyland. Suddenly, he can see it. Rodger can somewhat understand the appeal to this whole lying business. The look in Pia's eyes, that look of sudden hope and relief after such a devastating realization. It's amazing. And yet…he just can't do it. He can't bring himself to tell her such a falsity. 

 

"Well, actually…no, I was just trying to make you feel better. I'm sorry," he apologizes, feeling rather ashamed to have said anything in the first place. Pia sighs, sitting up. 

 

"It is okay, Elder Grant. I am a little…upset, it is good of you to want to help," she says, patting him lightly on the shoulder. "I…I am just trying to understand all of this…"

 

"I know that you and Elder Goode were…um…close. But, I guess all I can say is that there are some messed up people in this world and we need to know who they are. I mean, even I was starting to get used to him but…but the worst of people can be the best deceivers. I don't know why he did it, I don't think I ever will. I don't want to, to be honest. I don't want to know how those people's brains work at all."

 

"But…I just thought that mormons were meant to all be good and saintly? Why is Elder Goode so far from this?" Pia asks, no longer on the verge of tears but instead merely looking slightly pensive.

 

"Well, in every group there's gonna be some assholes. Even asshole mormons. I guess I've finally met one. I've sort of become one, too," Rodger replies, shrugging. The more he thinks about it, the more he resents how lethargic and sullen he's been recently. He wishes he could make a one-eighty turn like last time this happened but that doesn't seem too likely at the moment. It feels so easy to give up, yet he knows that doing that won't help much.

 

"You are not an asshole," Pia says, frowning. "What have you done?"

 

"Nothing, that's the whole point. It's not my fault, at least not completely. I don't have the charisma, it seems," Rodger sighs, shrugging once again. Pia delicately rubs his shoulder in a consoling gesture, and he gives her a small smile. He knows full-well his problems are on a much smaller scale than hers, but wallowing in pity is just so much easier than actually trying. 

 

"You have plenty of…you know…that, uh, caristma. It is fun being around you," Pia assures him, still gently stroking his arm.

 

"Only because I teach you cool words like 'contemptible'," Rodger quips, nudging her slightly. He keeps worrying if he's breaking the rules by being in the room alone with her, but alway reminds himself that Joe is just inside their room, in earshot as he should be, so it's not strictly against the rules. 

 

"Maybe, but you were also very nice to my sister. She said that you were very polite towards her and weren't as pushy as the other elders had been when she took them to the cabin," she continues.

 

"Really? Gee, that's nice of her. I thought she had something against us from the way she snapped at me when I just suggested that she come round some time to talk about mormonism."

 

"She says it's a stupid religion made by Americans to be more relatable and modern. She likes you, though. Joe as well," Pia says.

 

"In what way?" Rodger asks. Pia smirks slightly, giving an almost sly look.

 

"Oh, she thinks you are all very attractive," she explains, holding back a small laugh. Rodger can't decide whether to feel flattered or uncomfortable. Perhaps he feels both.

 

"Aw, that's sweet," he replies in a patronizing tone.

 

"It's true, too," Pia continues, her smirk widening slightly. She looks uncommonly seductive when she does this, as Rodger doesn't care to forget. She rarely ever looks sexy, per se, that simply isn't what Pia is about. However, being the nineteen-year-old male Rodger is, even the suggestion of a sexually attractive feature can be exciting, especially if you've been brought up in a world full of blonde, blue-eyed prudes with the same generic Utah accent. 

 

"Are you flirting with me, Pia?" Rodger asks bluntly, trying to look stern but ultimately returning the smile. 

 

"Why do you ask, Elder?" she asks him.

 

"Well, you know," he says, thinking it obvious that he's referring to the the rule of not courting members or non-members during your mission. However, it seems like Pia may have gotten the wrong end of the stick with this, because her eyes widen and she awkwardly leans forwards, pressing against Rodger, much to his surprise and slight horror. You don't need to know all the details and logistics of what happened next, as you can probably gather that from what has been implied. All you need to know is that, when Joe decided to make a grand entrance back into the room, the two rather impulsive mormons were lying sprawled on the sofa. Joe looks a little bit shocked at this, though he secretly thinks 'it's about time'. He knows he should probably just quietly retreat into his room and let them continue but he can't help but exclaim

 

"Elder Grant?!" to which Rodger promptly whips his head up from its previous position and removes his hands from theirs (they were definitely not turning the pages of the book of mormon, that's for sure).

 

"Elder Young! Uh, hi!" Rodger replies, blushing profusely and looking generally flustered. Joe instantly feels horrible for having ruined his friend's fun and quickly says

 

"No, no, no, you guys carry on, my bad for bursting in like that."

 

"Oh…oh, God, I'm doing it again…this is all my fault. I did it AGAIN," Pia mutters angrily, sitting up. Rodger has no idea what she's talking about at first, and when he finally does figure it out, Pia is already rushing out of the door. 

 

"Pia! Wait! I'm so sorry, it's not your fault, I swear!" Rodger calls after her, stumbling over to the door.

 

"Oh, Elder Grant, I'm real sorry. I messed everything up, didn't I?" Joe says, looking down ashamedly. Rodger, who has given up trying to run after Pia, shakes his head as he returns to the sofa.

 

"No, you didn't do anything wrong, Elder Young. I did. I messed up BIG time."

 

"Oh, yeah, you aren't meant to do stuff with girls when you're on your mission, are you? I forgot," Joe says, sitting down next to his companion. "It's alright, though, buddy."

 

"No, it's really not, Elder Young," Rodger snaps, mostly just angry at himself. "I'm as bad as Elder Goode! Did you hear what she said? 'I'm doing it again, this is all my fault'. She thinks that what happened with her and Elder Goode was HER fault, and now she thinks that this was all her fault too!"

 

"I seriously doubt you're as bad as Elder Goode," Joe says, frowning. He frowns so much these days. 

 

"I mean…yeah, she leaned in first but…but I shouldn't have let her do it. I was being irresponsible," Rodger grumbles, scowling down at his feet. 

 

"That doesn't make you a bad person, and you're certainly not on the same level as Elder Goode," Joe says, placing a hand on Rodger's shoulder. He knows that this is meant to be a friendly gesture, but after what happened with Pia, Rodger isn't about to let history repeat itself any time soon, ESPECIALLY not with Joe, so he shakes it off. 

 

"I guess. I guess that's kind of true," he says, shrugging. 

 

"You've gotta stop comparing yourself to Elder Goode, seriously," Joe says, giving Rodger a stern look. "You are two very different people."

 

"Are we, though?" Rodger asks him sincerely, looking up at his companion. Joe stares Rodger straight in the eyes, clearly trying to look as serious as he can. His glare is so very powerful, it kind of shocks Rodger. Joe's stare levels only ever go as high as mildly angry. Still staring seriously at his friend, Joe replies

 

"Yes."

 

"Geez, Elder Young, you're too nice," Rodger says.

 

"Maybe you just have a low tolerance for niceness," Joe suggests jokingly, smiling again. Rodger finds the suddenly brighter atmosphere greatly refreshing.

 

"Well, it's cool to have a companion like you, anyways. Nothing like being reassured you aren't as bad as a sort-of-rapist," he replies, similarly comedically.

 

"Yeah, well, that guy's an asshole," Joe says, much to Rodgers disbelief. He looks up at Joe suddenly, his mouth agape in shock.

 

" _Elder Young_ ," he says pointedly, feeling the tiniest slither of pride amongst the mass of surprise at Joe's choice of language.

 

"What? You got to say it, why can't I?" Joe asks, a little indignant. Rodger can't help but laugh. He never thought he'd actually enjoy the sound of somebody swearing. Once again he makes a mental note to thank Heavenly Father for ridding him of that awful twinge he used to get at the slightest mention of anything rude.

 

"You're right, buddy. You can swear all you want, I don't mind," he says, patting his companion on the back lightly. "Well, should we start planning a workshop for tomorrow? Elder Daniels said we could do one this week, and hey, the only day that really matters is tomorrow, right?"

 

"Oh, uh, actually, Elder Grant…I've been meaning to show you something. You see, I'm probably not gonna be able to be here for workshop tomorrow," Joe says sheepishly in reply.

 

"Why not?" Rodger asks, but Joe has already gotten up and is walking into his room. He emerges again a few moments later with what seems to be a letter. His expression vaguely suggests he may be a little excited.

 

"Read this!" he urges Rodger, shoving the letter into his hands. Rodger takes it and skims over the paragraphs, the words 'due to issues concerning other serving missionaries', 'transfer' and 'Los Angeles' catching his eye.

 

"Huh? What is this?"

 

"It says I'm gonna transfer to Los Angeles! Isn't that AWESOME?" Joe says, close to bouncing up and down. Rodger, once again unexpectedly shocked by his best friend, doesn't quite know what to say to this.

 

"Oh…um…cool!" he says at last, giving a small, if slightly insincere, smile. 

 

"Isn't it?! Oh, but don't worry! You're gonna get a new companion! See, it says here, 'You will be paired with Elder White, and your current companion shall be paired with a recently drafted missionary'. I guess Elder Smith'll get a new companion too! It's so exciting, I'm gonna go to L.A! You think I'll meet any celebrities?" Joe says, still threatening to bounce up and down in excitement. However, now he seems to have drifted off into dream world, probably envisioning himself in the next Hollywood blockbuster alongside Natalie Portman or one of his other celebrity crushes. 

 

"El-Elder Young? Hello?" Rodger attempts to snap Joe out of his very quickly induced trance, waving a hand in front of his face. Joe instantly snaps out of it and continues babbling.

 

"Anyway, I was just packing my bags while you and Pia were talking, and I gotta finish packing up before tomorrow. I've been preparing for like, a week!"

 

"Wait…wait, how long have you had this letter?" Rodger asks, suddenly fearing that his friend hasn't told him as much about his life as he hoped.

 

"Oh, since last Friday," Joe replies, his grin only widening. 'Last Friday' was about a week ago at this point. "I've been talking to Elder Daniels about it, but he said I shouldn't tell you until today, because you might be upset. Are you upset?"

 

"What? Oh, no, of course not!" Rodger says, only slightly mendaciously. "I'm happy for you, Elder Young! I mean, you'll be so much closer to home, and to Lisa!"

 

"Exactly! It's great! Thanks, Elder Grant! I TOLD Elder Daniels you'd be fine with it!" Joe chirps, smiling even wider. Rodger does feel happy for him, of course he does. He just kind of feels left out knowing that Joe has been planning on leaving for a whole week, and now Rodger has only 12 hours at the most to say goodbye to him. He is going to have to spend the rest of his mission without his oldest friend and he has never spent that long without Joe in his recent memory. Sure, Joe isn't always the funniest or coolest person, but he's generally just nice to have around. Two years without him? That's definitely a hard concept to grasp for Rodger. Still, Joe could be closer to his girlfriend, and Rodger knows for a fact that, were it him in a relationship, he would be just as thrilled to be a little closer to home. For this reason, he can put on a mostly genuine act of happiness.

 

"Yeah, awesome, wow!" Rodger says, nodding as Joe starts to gush about Los Angeles again. He pays his full attention for the most part -- that is, until a bright red tie catches his eye. It's the same one that Elder Goode always wore. It seems to take on a different tone than before. Now it resembles blood more than a brick wall, as if the red had somehow richened over time. It is rather intriguing, and so Rodger stares at it for a good while before Joe snaps him out of it. Later on, he picks up the tie to inspect it. It has a small label on the inside reading 'Corey B. Goode'. This is amusing, of course, but Rodger decides after a while of staring at it that he despises that tie.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of the official fanfiction, however I shall be uploading one last part (an epilogue) soon after this one, so stick around!


	11. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the events in 'Land of Gnomes and Trolls'.

The following months go on at a steady but just bearable pace, each day containing at least one interesting aspect. For instance, a week after Joe leaves for America, a new missionary -- who is somehow shorter than Rodger, a remarkable feat -- named Elder Pratt arrives, showing his enthusiasm from the get-go. Rodger deeply sympathizes with Elder Daniels in the respect that he is rather jealous of Pratt's unrelenting cheeriness, as Elder Daniels was of Rodger's own formerly chipper self from the previous month.

He and Elder Daniels, and Elder Marshall too, generally spend most of their time together, seeing as Rodger in no way relates to Elder Pratt and, frankly, is frequently irritated by him. Elder Pratt is rather obnoxious, constantly trying to turn the subject of conversation to his own achievements and acting rather superior. Rodger, of course, has considered just ditching rule 72 in order to rid himself of Elder Pratt's burden but two factors stop him from doing so, one being his own morals and the other being the fact that Elder Pratt basically clings to Rodger everywhere he goes, not wanting to break the rule. It's tiring but Rodger is a fairly good-tempered person, so he manages to stick it out for the sake of the church. 

As for Pia, Rodger doesn't see much of her. Mostly because she seems to be making an effort to avoid the missionaries. Apparently, she swore off Mormonism a few days after the incident with her and Rodger and subsequently began warning the women of the village to stay away from the missionaries, saying that they are using their religion as a cover under which to take advantage of girls. Velma is the only one they ever frequently run into, and she makes a point to glare at both Rodger and his new companion. Elder Pratt doesn't understand, he never will. None of the elders in the Hasvik quarters are going to retell the story of their former brother and his shenanigans.

A good thing that overshadows the bad, however, is that, with the departure of Elder Goode, both the anti-Mormons and the Mormons get along quite a bit better. Elder Phillips, who used to make countless cruel remarks accusing the other elders of being 'fudge-packers' (whatever that is -- Rodger doesn't care to find out), now treats them all much more like actual brothers, ripping on them occasionally but for the most part minding his own business, checking in on them when he sees fit. Elder Butler makes quite the sharp turn, helping Elder Marshall with cooking, showing him ways to puncture sausages in just the right way to make them cook properly and generally being rather more helpful around the living quarters (but he still always carries a can of one alcoholic beverage or another around and takes large gulps of it routinely). Elder Fisher is rather reserved for the most part, mostly just staying neutral and not really doing anything bad or good. He has done one thing, however, that seems to imply he intends on turning over a new leaf (for real, this time) for the better. Elder Daniels, who is usually found reading his book at the kitchen table, has been acting rather depressive and apathetic and they soon found out that he had nothing to read anymore, having finished 'Catcher in the Rye' (the book he'd been reading). Elder Fisher noticed this and, once he found out, he gave Elder Daniels 'To Kill a Mockingbird', which he had been reading. Needless to say, Elder Daniels was overjoyed. Apart from this good samaritan act, Elder Fisher keeps to himself. Elder Daniels himself has been glued to the pages of 'To Kill a Mockingbird' for a good two weeks, and has already almost finished the book, something he explains many times that he feels ashamed of. 

He and Elder Marshall barely change, being two seemingly very strong-willed men. Rodger respects this deeply, and that is part of the reason he has begun hanging out with them so much. He encourages them to accompany him and Elder Pratt to workshop in the mornings, and even sometimes deliberately plans his proselytization routes to overlap with theirs when he can. He can't help it if Elder Pratt drives him away so much that he starts relating to the Mormon missionary equivalent of the nerds in high school, even if he may sometimes be a little jealous of Elder Phillips when he smokes or Elder Butler when he drinks or even Elder Fisher when he drinks coffee or tea.

Despite the fact that he must now spend two years without his best friend, and the fact he must instead spend all his time with a painfully annoying, preachy companion, or the fact he won't ever get any baptisms or anything ever, or the possibility he may never get to have anything with Pia or anybody he might have snuck a glance at in this village, despite all of that, Rodger is happy. He has friends. Maybe they aren't best friends, but they're friends. His life certainly isn't monotonous, it is simply average. That's okay, Rodger thinks. It's okay to have an unexceptional life. It's okay that he just has friends, that he doesn't have a girlfriend yet.

Elder Daniels can be happy with only a book in his hands, Elder Marshall can be happy never saying a word and leaving himself to ponder whatever he ponders when he clearly isn't paying attention to the others, Elder Phillips can be okay just watching TV and smoking like there's no tomorrow, as Elder Butler is okay with just sipping his Norwegian beer and watching TV with his friend.

Elder Fisher can be okay just getting on with his work, without a companion.

Elder Pratt can be okay reminiscing over the good things he has done and will do.

Elder Grant, known to himself as Rodger, known to his mother as 'Budgie' and known to his friends right now as 'Elder', is happy just being nineteen, going on twenty, doing that which he believes he must do before he returns home and continues with what he started before he left for his mission. Some people aren't happy with their lives, and Rodger isn't completely satisfied either, but it's acceptable and that's all he needs for now. When he's twenty-one, finally going back to Utah, to Salt Lake, to his little house where his cat will pounce on him and beg for attention and his mother will give him a hug and congratulate him on returning in one piece, he'll figure out what exactly he believes in and what he doesn't, but for now he's fine just doing what he's here for. After all, there's not much else to do in such a small village in the remote parts of Norway. So far he's seen no gnomes nor trolls as his previous companion had said there would be, but maybe he will one day. That day will come and it will be pretty sweet, but who cares about those gnomes right now? Right now, Elder Grant has some work to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading my fic about Elder Grant! I've worked my ass off with this and now it's FINALLY finished! Please leave a comment below about what you thought, and maybe leave a lil' kudos too if you liked it? Ooh, and if you could actually SHARE it that would be AMAZING. I would virtually die XP. Thanks again for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all so much for reading my fic about Elder Grant! I've worked my ass off with this and now it's FINALLY finished! Please leave a comment below about what you thought, and maybe leave a lil' kudos too if you liked it? Ooh, and if you could actually SHARE it that would be AMAZING. I would virtually die XP. Thanks again for reading!


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